Life.
How do we measure time? We measure it in seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries...in age.
Why in age though? Why are people so close minded in the idea that age testifies to when you will be mature, when you should know what you want to do with your life, when you should be married, when you're too young to know what love really is?
Seriously, at what age are we old enough to know what love really is? At what age will the world take us seriously?
I hate when I talk to someone and tell them that I have met and lost the love of my life, and it will forever change me. That I will never find someone like him again, and that I will most likely end up alone because I refuse to settle for comfort and company as opposed to real love.
Honestly, I have come to terms and accepted that love is just not in the cards for me. I still believe in it with my entire being, no doubt. But I have accepted the part of playing the mermaid who kills herself because her prince meets, falls in love with and marries another woman.
People always go "Awww! No, how could you possibly say that? That's horrible."
No. Its true and tragically beautiful. I find beauty in the breakdown. And honestly, I know my limits. I know that my love is so strong, when give my heart to someone, it is given. I don't want it back, even if I could take it back. And I know that I can only take so much heartache. I don't want to love again because its just too hard to open up and be vulnerable. Especially when it isn't going to work out for me. Its not a matter of being depressed, though that's certainly part of the process. Its just a matter of knowing who I am, what I'm capable of, and knowing the basic outline of my life.
Honestly, I can't see myself growing to be old and wrinkly with a full head of white hair. I believe that I will die at a young age. Probably 50's or younger. Which is why I'm so eager to live life to the fullest right now and do as much as I can to help people and make a change in the world for the better.
But I hate when people say that just because I'm ONLY 21, I can't possibly know what love really is, and I can't possibly have met the love of my life and never love one person that much again. I hate when people pretend to know where I'm coming from or pretend to get it. Because although you may be able to relate in your own way, you don't get it. Because you are not in this situation. You are not the one experiencing what I am experiencing. Every scenario is different. So you can't possibly get what I'm going through and give valid advice that you "know" will work, just because it worked for you or someone else. Its a completely different ball game and there is no guarantee that the plays or outcome will be exactly the same.
Don't disregard my past, present and future because of my age. You may think I'm naive, but I know that what I've experienced has been real, and true, and will effect who I am and who I will be forever. You may say "You're so young, you've barely lived. The things you are saying are foolish. You're too young to understand your life and make such judgments about your future."
But I have lived, and my soul is older and wiser. Age is simply a measure of passing time.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Purpose
Hello world.
Sorry that its taken me such a long time to get back to you with an update. Life has been kind of insane.
Do you ever feel like you just can't catch up? Like you're always one step behind, no matter what you do? That you just can't seem to stop stumbling and muffing everything up? That you can see the problems and solutions to everyone elses' lives but your own? And you actually get mad when other people complain, because their problem has such an easy solution compared to yours, and if they just listened to you, things would be all better? But you can't fix your life or your problems at all? That's how I've kind of been feeling. I feel like my life is falling to pieces around me and moving on without me at the same time and I'm just left here, stuck in place, watching it happen. I feel as though I have no control. Because I don't. I can't control anything or anyone in my life except myself. And I don't even know what to do with myself. I feel like I can't even control me. I'm a control freak, I make plans and lists, and to have no control, to have nothing go according to plan, is terrifying.
Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. I don't think I'm crazy. But I do have conversations with myself in which I tell myself I'm being irrational and crazy, and then the other me arguing the opposite side. It usually goes like something like this: I'm sitting on my bed, holding my phone, debating whether or not this is a good idea or if I'm just over analyzing and being silly.
Dark and Twisty me: You are being stupid. It serves you right that things are the way they are. I don't get why you're over analyzing when its so clear what's going on. You are so stupid. You're so not worth the time. You're a silly, cliche, mushy-gushy romantic who wants her happy endings. And there are no happy endings for you.
Would-be happy, wistful, romantic, creative me: No, I'm not. I deserve answers, I deserve more than this. I deserve to be happy. Doesn't everybody?
Dark and twisty: Why do you think you deserve to be happy? You're back where you were 5 years ago, only different because you knew better this time. But you did it anyway. And you're back here all on your own. So you deserve to have the lemons of life squirted in your eye. You don't get lemonade.
Wistful and Romantic: But shouldn't there be some sort of balance? Why do I always have to be alone? Why do I always have to be the one that is left behind? Maybe its my own fault that I'm that way. Maybe I need to just make a first move to change the way things are instead of just letting them be the way they are. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I just need to stick up for my right to be happy and in love. Maybe if I am just myself, maybe if I am there, that they will remember why they loved me in the first place.
Dark and Twisty: Sure, go ahead. You're just going to get your heart broken like you always do and I'll be here telling you "I told you so". Because I did. You are going to be alone. Just face it. You're not relationship material. You're damaged and broken and no one can fix you, who would want to take that on? You're going to be an old maid with your 30 cats. Embrace it already and stop wasting time.
Happy and Romantic: But...but. I'm in love. I have so much love to give. That has to count for something. I may be broken, but isn't everybody? At least a little bit? And I'm not looking for someone to fix me. But maybe I could help someone else, and by helping and loving them, I could be fixed. I just want to help and love and be loved in return. Is that too much to ask? I don't want to get my heart broken, but its already breaking. I have to hold on to some little light of hope somehow that maybe love will be mine again, because if I don't, what do I have? I don't want to be back here again. I'm angry with myself that I am. Do you have to keep rubbing my mistakes in my face? You're just a coward. You're afraid that if I'm happy that you'll disappear because you won't have unhappiness or insecurities to feed off of anymore.
Dark and Twisty: Do what you want. See where it takes you. I don't need you to survive. I'll always be in the back of your mind. Waiting. You think you can get rid of me. You can't. Not with love, not with God, not with anything. You're stuck with me. I'm giving you tough love. You suck.
And that's how it goes. I feel insane. I literally end up yelling out loud at myself into a pillow. I miss living in the country where I could just go outside, run and run until I was well down the black road behind our house and in the high grass next to the drainage ditch's little brook. I would just scream at the top of my lungs and then lie there in the grass and watching the clouds go by and just letting my soul run wild in the sky until I was exhausted. Then I would walk back with scratches on my bare legs from the grass but feeling oddly better.
I'm convinced that if my life were a sitcom that I could make more money than Jersey Shore, even without that one chick what's-her-face-Snookie stripping every 5 minutes.
I love my life and hate my life. I love my life for what its presented me with, for who is in it, for all the things I'm good at, for music, for art, for the sun, for simple pleasures, but hating it for it all being out of my reach, for feeling stunted and having creativity blocks and just being forced to wait it out and hope that the storm will pass and I won't be crushed against the rocks between the waves of heartache, loneliness and depression.
But some days I'm convinced its all a mindset. Because some days I can be happy. Some days I'm happy enough to just be with the people I love, and that's enough even if the person I love the most isn't mine. Because in the end, its not about me. I would rather be unhappy and see the people I love happy and content with life. And that's where I'm impressed with myself. How despite what I go through, despite how some nights I wish for nothing more than to never wake up from the dreams that I wish were my reality, to never have to return to my life where all I wish in my reality is to be numb if I can't feel anything but pain and my heart literally aches. But somehow I wake up in the morning. Somehow I get through the day. Even if that means an occasional day I spend in bed catching up on Grey's Anatomy, listening to music that makes me cry, and facebook stalking my friends.
I may be crazy. But somehow I'm still alive. Whether you believe in God or not, I will give Him some credit here. I don't talk to God like everyone else does. I don't always capitalize references to his entity such as Him, His, He, because I figure God knows I respect him and that its kind of inconvenient to have to keep hitting the shift button. God knows how I feel about him. He knows how I love him. I talk to God as if He were right in front of me. I don't necessarily set aside time to talk to Him. I just say random sentences or have short conversations or long ones whenever I please. I've cursed Him out on numerous occasions. Most times I apologize later, but sometimes I don't. Either because I forget or I just don't want to. I feel that keeping those feelings inside and not sharing them with God, even if they are negative, that that's worse because I'm lying about how I'm really feeling. I'm not going to thank God for trials and tribulation when I'm not thankful for them. I figure that God can take it. He's God. And nobody ever said that was an easy job. I'm positive that He's used to having people unhappy with him. Some people would call me arrogant and foolish. But I say that God and I are kindred spirits. He knows me so I don't feel like I always have to fill him in or explain myself to him because he already knows. If I want to, then I will, but I figure that its kind of dumbing God down if he's supposed to be all knowing and I'm wasting his time with little details that I left out since the last time I talked to him. But I give Him credit, because even though I've cursed God out and have been like "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!?!", He will send me things like a random day where its 60 degrees out and sunny in the middle of January, so that I can spend the day outside instead of under my covers. Yes. I believe God made that day for me. I'm that full of myself. He knows that sunny days with a light warm breeze can fix everything for me for a little while. So thanks God. Thank you for knowing me. For loving me even though I'm one of the hardest people to love.
And God, your plan better be freaking awesome, because I'm going to be pissed if my life is just a huge cluster of crap and heartache. Because I deserve an awesome life. I feel awesome, I feel like I have the potential to be amazing and do amazing things. I don't feel that I am meant to live a simple life. I feel like you have given me my talents and ambitions, not so that they can sit inside me as I sit in an Iowa cornfield, but so that they can explode out of me and paint the world a multitude of colors. And so I can push through this heartache, I won't come out whole, but I'll push through it if you would just give me what I need in the end. A purpose.
~Cassie
Sorry that its taken me such a long time to get back to you with an update. Life has been kind of insane.
Do you ever feel like you just can't catch up? Like you're always one step behind, no matter what you do? That you just can't seem to stop stumbling and muffing everything up? That you can see the problems and solutions to everyone elses' lives but your own? And you actually get mad when other people complain, because their problem has such an easy solution compared to yours, and if they just listened to you, things would be all better? But you can't fix your life or your problems at all? That's how I've kind of been feeling. I feel like my life is falling to pieces around me and moving on without me at the same time and I'm just left here, stuck in place, watching it happen. I feel as though I have no control. Because I don't. I can't control anything or anyone in my life except myself. And I don't even know what to do with myself. I feel like I can't even control me. I'm a control freak, I make plans and lists, and to have no control, to have nothing go according to plan, is terrifying.
Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. I don't think I'm crazy. But I do have conversations with myself in which I tell myself I'm being irrational and crazy, and then the other me arguing the opposite side. It usually goes like something like this: I'm sitting on my bed, holding my phone, debating whether or not this is a good idea or if I'm just over analyzing and being silly.
Dark and Twisty me: You are being stupid. It serves you right that things are the way they are. I don't get why you're over analyzing when its so clear what's going on. You are so stupid. You're so not worth the time. You're a silly, cliche, mushy-gushy romantic who wants her happy endings. And there are no happy endings for you.
Would-be happy, wistful, romantic, creative me: No, I'm not. I deserve answers, I deserve more than this. I deserve to be happy. Doesn't everybody?
Dark and twisty: Why do you think you deserve to be happy? You're back where you were 5 years ago, only different because you knew better this time. But you did it anyway. And you're back here all on your own. So you deserve to have the lemons of life squirted in your eye. You don't get lemonade.
Wistful and Romantic: But shouldn't there be some sort of balance? Why do I always have to be alone? Why do I always have to be the one that is left behind? Maybe its my own fault that I'm that way. Maybe I need to just make a first move to change the way things are instead of just letting them be the way they are. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I just need to stick up for my right to be happy and in love. Maybe if I am just myself, maybe if I am there, that they will remember why they loved me in the first place.
Dark and Twisty: Sure, go ahead. You're just going to get your heart broken like you always do and I'll be here telling you "I told you so". Because I did. You are going to be alone. Just face it. You're not relationship material. You're damaged and broken and no one can fix you, who would want to take that on? You're going to be an old maid with your 30 cats. Embrace it already and stop wasting time.
Happy and Romantic: But...but. I'm in love. I have so much love to give. That has to count for something. I may be broken, but isn't everybody? At least a little bit? And I'm not looking for someone to fix me. But maybe I could help someone else, and by helping and loving them, I could be fixed. I just want to help and love and be loved in return. Is that too much to ask? I don't want to get my heart broken, but its already breaking. I have to hold on to some little light of hope somehow that maybe love will be mine again, because if I don't, what do I have? I don't want to be back here again. I'm angry with myself that I am. Do you have to keep rubbing my mistakes in my face? You're just a coward. You're afraid that if I'm happy that you'll disappear because you won't have unhappiness or insecurities to feed off of anymore.
Dark and Twisty: Do what you want. See where it takes you. I don't need you to survive. I'll always be in the back of your mind. Waiting. You think you can get rid of me. You can't. Not with love, not with God, not with anything. You're stuck with me. I'm giving you tough love. You suck.
And that's how it goes. I feel insane. I literally end up yelling out loud at myself into a pillow. I miss living in the country where I could just go outside, run and run until I was well down the black road behind our house and in the high grass next to the drainage ditch's little brook. I would just scream at the top of my lungs and then lie there in the grass and watching the clouds go by and just letting my soul run wild in the sky until I was exhausted. Then I would walk back with scratches on my bare legs from the grass but feeling oddly better.
I'm convinced that if my life were a sitcom that I could make more money than Jersey Shore, even without that one chick what's-her-face-Snookie stripping every 5 minutes.
I love my life and hate my life. I love my life for what its presented me with, for who is in it, for all the things I'm good at, for music, for art, for the sun, for simple pleasures, but hating it for it all being out of my reach, for feeling stunted and having creativity blocks and just being forced to wait it out and hope that the storm will pass and I won't be crushed against the rocks between the waves of heartache, loneliness and depression.
But some days I'm convinced its all a mindset. Because some days I can be happy. Some days I'm happy enough to just be with the people I love, and that's enough even if the person I love the most isn't mine. Because in the end, its not about me. I would rather be unhappy and see the people I love happy and content with life. And that's where I'm impressed with myself. How despite what I go through, despite how some nights I wish for nothing more than to never wake up from the dreams that I wish were my reality, to never have to return to my life where all I wish in my reality is to be numb if I can't feel anything but pain and my heart literally aches. But somehow I wake up in the morning. Somehow I get through the day. Even if that means an occasional day I spend in bed catching up on Grey's Anatomy, listening to music that makes me cry, and facebook stalking my friends.
I may be crazy. But somehow I'm still alive. Whether you believe in God or not, I will give Him some credit here. I don't talk to God like everyone else does. I don't always capitalize references to his entity such as Him, His, He, because I figure God knows I respect him and that its kind of inconvenient to have to keep hitting the shift button. God knows how I feel about him. He knows how I love him. I talk to God as if He were right in front of me. I don't necessarily set aside time to talk to Him. I just say random sentences or have short conversations or long ones whenever I please. I've cursed Him out on numerous occasions. Most times I apologize later, but sometimes I don't. Either because I forget or I just don't want to. I feel that keeping those feelings inside and not sharing them with God, even if they are negative, that that's worse because I'm lying about how I'm really feeling. I'm not going to thank God for trials and tribulation when I'm not thankful for them. I figure that God can take it. He's God. And nobody ever said that was an easy job. I'm positive that He's used to having people unhappy with him. Some people would call me arrogant and foolish. But I say that God and I are kindred spirits. He knows me so I don't feel like I always have to fill him in or explain myself to him because he already knows. If I want to, then I will, but I figure that its kind of dumbing God down if he's supposed to be all knowing and I'm wasting his time with little details that I left out since the last time I talked to him. But I give Him credit, because even though I've cursed God out and have been like "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!?!", He will send me things like a random day where its 60 degrees out and sunny in the middle of January, so that I can spend the day outside instead of under my covers. Yes. I believe God made that day for me. I'm that full of myself. He knows that sunny days with a light warm breeze can fix everything for me for a little while. So thanks God. Thank you for knowing me. For loving me even though I'm one of the hardest people to love.
And God, your plan better be freaking awesome, because I'm going to be pissed if my life is just a huge cluster of crap and heartache. Because I deserve an awesome life. I feel awesome, I feel like I have the potential to be amazing and do amazing things. I don't feel that I am meant to live a simple life. I feel like you have given me my talents and ambitions, not so that they can sit inside me as I sit in an Iowa cornfield, but so that they can explode out of me and paint the world a multitude of colors. And so I can push through this heartache, I won't come out whole, but I'll push through it if you would just give me what I need in the end. A purpose.
~Cassie
Sunday, October 17, 2010
My Freedom Is Within My Grasp
So, as some of you know, I've been trying to lose some weight. Unsuccessfully. In fact, I've gained more, and weigh more than I ever have in my entire life so far. Its depressing, I've felt trapped in this body of mine, my ribs the bars on my cage, locking my soul inside my heart, enslaved to culinary deliciousness.
I've tried eating healthy, but I've discovered that I'm not sure what healthy is anymore. So then I tried eating less. But that only make me hungrier.
I finally selected the South Beach Diet. I officially started Phase 1 on Tuesday. If you don't know anything about the South Beach Diet, let me give you a little synopsis:
The South Beach Diet has three phases.
Phase 1:
Known as the "clean" phase. It lasts no longer than 2-3 weeks, and you are supposed to experience significant weight loss. Basically, you cut out all starchy carbs, all sugar including natural sugars like in fruit, and fat. You are allowed to eat low-fat to no fat milk or cheese, and you can drink all the tea and coffee you want. Your basic foods are raw vegetables, and lean meats. You can also eat all the seafood you want. Use of whole eggs is not limited.
You actually have a lot to work with if you're creative. The Phase 1 allowed foods list is pretty lengthy, its just putting those together and making something delicious. I got a SBD cookbook from the library that has recipes for each Phase and helpful tips and instructions as well as success stories.
Phase 2:
You start to slowly add in some carbohydrates and fruits. Eating is now less boring and more enjoyable.
Phase 3:
Basically, you continue phase two, and phase 3 just adds in some things to keep your weight under control and to develop a healthy lifestyle.
Right now I'm in Phase 1, and have been since Tuesday, October 12. Let me be the first to burst your bubble and not sugar coat it for you: Phase 1 sucks. A lot.
I eat about 4 hard boiled eggs a day, and my lovely mother has been kind enough to boil them for me, as well as make a SBD grocery list and fill the fridge with sugar free jell-O and pickles.
My joys in life right now are sugar free fudgesicles (which are surprisingly TO DIE FOR, and you find yourself asking with every lick "Is this really on my diet???") and steak. Mm, mm, good.
You may be asking why I choose this form of weight-loss torture. The answer: I was able to witness the results before I even started. My friend Traci, a fellow Barnes & Noble bookseller, and I worked together on the Friday before my adoption of the SBD. I noticed that she look significantly skinnier since the last time I'd seen her.
So I asked "Traci, did you lose weight?"
And of course she replied "Yeah, 10 pounds in two weeks."
My response: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?! TELL ME YOUR SECRET!!!!!!"
Traci has a lot of healthy problems which is one reason why she's on the SBD. She can't really exercise because she has lupus. So I thought in my head "If I tried this diet, and exercised, I could lose even more than Traci in 2 weeks."
So, I talked it over with my mum on Monday, and then started Tuesday.
I got extremely frustrated with myself because last night I slipped up. I went to a friend's party and had a few drinks, without even thinking how they probably had sugar in them. I kicked myself about it all night, dreamt about food, and woke up sad and sure I'd completely screwed up all my work.
I moped in bed until about 3pm, until I was so hungry that I had to get up, even though I didn't think I deserved to eat and had decided to I was going to throw this diet in the trash and have a huge bowl of MultiGrain Cheerios with 2% milk this morning. I stormed downstairs in my pajamas into my parents bedroom, grabbed my mom's scale off their backroom floor, and stomped into the entry way where I placed the scale gently on the floor (although what I really wanted to do was slam it down, but it cost my mom a load of money so I resisted). Stripping off my heavy sweatshirt, I mounted the scale in my Pink! striped flannel pajama pants and lacy pink tank top. Clenching my fist and squeezing my eyes shut I said to myself "If I haven't lost at least 3 pounds, I'm done with this."
I pried one eye open and looked down at the scale. I opened the other eye. I squinted.
No way.
I stepped off and back on the scale, sure that I must have broken it or something.
The scale read that I had lost exactly 7 pounds.
SEVEN.
That's right. From Tuesday, October 12th, to Sunday October 17th, 5 DAYS, I had lost 7 POUNDS.
I don't care if it was water weight. I wouldn't believe it if anyone told me that anyway. I've been guzzling 1-2 liters of fizzy water a day.
I resisted the urge to run out of our house and into the street, screaming and jumping up and down like I'd won the lottery as I called up my mom and told her the news.
So. I can feel the bonds of obesity slowly loosening their grip on me as I continue to struggle to break free.
And I will be free.
I've tried eating healthy, but I've discovered that I'm not sure what healthy is anymore. So then I tried eating less. But that only make me hungrier.
I finally selected the South Beach Diet. I officially started Phase 1 on Tuesday. If you don't know anything about the South Beach Diet, let me give you a little synopsis:
The South Beach Diet has three phases.
Phase 1:
Known as the "clean" phase. It lasts no longer than 2-3 weeks, and you are supposed to experience significant weight loss. Basically, you cut out all starchy carbs, all sugar including natural sugars like in fruit, and fat. You are allowed to eat low-fat to no fat milk or cheese, and you can drink all the tea and coffee you want. Your basic foods are raw vegetables, and lean meats. You can also eat all the seafood you want. Use of whole eggs is not limited.
You actually have a lot to work with if you're creative. The Phase 1 allowed foods list is pretty lengthy, its just putting those together and making something delicious. I got a SBD cookbook from the library that has recipes for each Phase and helpful tips and instructions as well as success stories.
Phase 2:
You start to slowly add in some carbohydrates and fruits. Eating is now less boring and more enjoyable.
Phase 3:
Basically, you continue phase two, and phase 3 just adds in some things to keep your weight under control and to develop a healthy lifestyle.
Right now I'm in Phase 1, and have been since Tuesday, October 12. Let me be the first to burst your bubble and not sugar coat it for you: Phase 1 sucks. A lot.
I eat about 4 hard boiled eggs a day, and my lovely mother has been kind enough to boil them for me, as well as make a SBD grocery list and fill the fridge with sugar free jell-O and pickles.
My joys in life right now are sugar free fudgesicles (which are surprisingly TO DIE FOR, and you find yourself asking with every lick "Is this really on my diet???") and steak. Mm, mm, good.
You may be asking why I choose this form of weight-loss torture. The answer: I was able to witness the results before I even started. My friend Traci, a fellow Barnes & Noble bookseller, and I worked together on the Friday before my adoption of the SBD. I noticed that she look significantly skinnier since the last time I'd seen her.
So I asked "Traci, did you lose weight?"
And of course she replied "Yeah, 10 pounds in two weeks."
My response: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?! TELL ME YOUR SECRET!!!!!!"
Traci has a lot of healthy problems which is one reason why she's on the SBD. She can't really exercise because she has lupus. So I thought in my head "If I tried this diet, and exercised, I could lose even more than Traci in 2 weeks."
So, I talked it over with my mum on Monday, and then started Tuesday.
I got extremely frustrated with myself because last night I slipped up. I went to a friend's party and had a few drinks, without even thinking how they probably had sugar in them. I kicked myself about it all night, dreamt about food, and woke up sad and sure I'd completely screwed up all my work.
I moped in bed until about 3pm, until I was so hungry that I had to get up, even though I didn't think I deserved to eat and had decided to I was going to throw this diet in the trash and have a huge bowl of MultiGrain Cheerios with 2% milk this morning. I stormed downstairs in my pajamas into my parents bedroom, grabbed my mom's scale off their backroom floor, and stomped into the entry way where I placed the scale gently on the floor (although what I really wanted to do was slam it down, but it cost my mom a load of money so I resisted). Stripping off my heavy sweatshirt, I mounted the scale in my Pink! striped flannel pajama pants and lacy pink tank top. Clenching my fist and squeezing my eyes shut I said to myself "If I haven't lost at least 3 pounds, I'm done with this."
I pried one eye open and looked down at the scale. I opened the other eye. I squinted.
No way.
I stepped off and back on the scale, sure that I must have broken it or something.
The scale read that I had lost exactly 7 pounds.
SEVEN.
That's right. From Tuesday, October 12th, to Sunday October 17th, 5 DAYS, I had lost 7 POUNDS.
I don't care if it was water weight. I wouldn't believe it if anyone told me that anyway. I've been guzzling 1-2 liters of fizzy water a day.
I resisted the urge to run out of our house and into the street, screaming and jumping up and down like I'd won the lottery as I called up my mom and told her the news.
So. I can feel the bonds of obesity slowly loosening their grip on me as I continue to struggle to break free.
And I will be free.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Friends, Work, Faith, Purpose and Paranoid
So, I'm terrible at getting back into this blog thing. I never post, which makes people never read it, and still I wonder why only a few people follow me and once in a blue moon someone comments. I'm used to my old Xanga where I had a huge community of people following me. But then I remember that that took a lot of work and dedication. I also remember that I really didn't have a Facebook at that time. Which is kind of what I abandoned my Xanga for. But I miss the personality of blogging, getting to know new people, and expressing my thoughts and feelings to the world.
Friendships are hard. Why? Because they take lots of work to keep. I have started to reconnect with some old friends, and I'm trying to stay connected and create deeper connections with new friends. Its hard. To do so, I have to keep up with them. I enjoy doing that, but I find that once I have 5 friends I'm trying to keep up with and be close to, I start to feel overwhelmed. Why is that? Obviously I'm capable of having more than 5 close friends that I keep up with, and see on a regular basic. I HAVE to be. So why is it that I find myself realizing that I haven't seen my friend Rachel since we did her last photoshoot? Or Julia since my birthday party? Or Liz since rehearsal? I haven't spent time with Liz except for rehearsal. I haven't had my usual coffee fix with Matt in over a month. All of these are making me feel as though I'm just a horrible friend. I'm terrible about calling someone up to just chat on the phone. I find once I get them on the phone, I'm always trying to get off it because I can't think of much to say. But I also find myself longing for human interaction, beyond acquaintance, but a deep, heartfelt friendship with someone who knows me and my faults but loves me as a friend anyway. Someone willing to do silly, crazy stuff with me, or someone I feel I can trust and cry in front of without feeling overly vulnerable.
Maybe I close myself off. I don't know. But something has to change there, because I feel I'm fighting against myself and my strange desire to be alone sometimes. Maybe its laziness. But whatever it is, I hate it because it always turns into loneliness and self hate.
Businesses are also hard to keep up. I've got three photo shoot session photos that I still need to finish and put on my Facebook page for Whimsical Photography. I also need to post on my Photography business' blog. I like to talk about my photos and I thought it would be a unique way to attract some attention to my new found hobby, and express myself through what I consider to be a new form of art, a new creative channel.
I'm worried about school. Right now, Small Business Management is a breeze. Although I still freak out a little over tests, I find that if I study, I do pretty well. I'm more worried about the fact that at the end of the semester, I have to create a business plan. And that in Fall 2010 I'll be starting my Photography classes and attending school full time.
Until then I need to find a second job. Which is hard. Because as usual, I'm picky about where I want to work and who I want to work with. My dream job is Cup of Joe. I absolutely LOVE it. Its my favorite hang out, you can wear jeans to work, and its just an amazing place where you and everyone else can constantly express themselves creatively. :) However, I work at Barnes & Noble and one of the girls said that I might not get considered because since Barnes & Noble has a little cafe, we're considered as competition. Really? I would call that discrimination. You can't NOT hire me because of the place I'm currently working! Its not like I wouldn't be as dedicated. Honestly, I think (and I wrote this on my application too) that Cup of Joe trumps Starbucks and Barnes & Noble coffee HANDS DOWN. The atmosphere also wins out.
I'm worried I'll have to make a huge scene and get my point known and made that if it happens that I'm being discriminated against. But I shouldn't worry about that until my one-week check back call on Monday.
Also, I worry about my faith. I believe in God, and that He came to this world to save me, took my sin, died for me through crucifixion, was buried in a tomb, rose in 3 days, and ascended into Heaven with a promise of His return for His children, and judgment. I believe that God is love and He loves everyone, that His love is free, and His salvation is a gift, not something we have to earn through good works. I believe that man is basically sinful, not good, and I try to make a conscious effort show Christ's love to others through my love for them. I believe that God doesn't discriminate or limit His love, that He loves liberals, democrats, republicans, conservatives, atheists, murderers, pedophiles and gays, etc. So, why is that sometimes I still doubt His love for me? That I still worry about the afterlife, and whether or not there is a Heaven and if I'll get into it? I know I have Christ in my heart, and I'm working to have Him in my mind at all times. I find myself worrying about the end times as 2012 draws near and everyone says its going to be when the world ends. The Myans may have been right about a lot of things, but they were also the ones that thought whenever there was an eclipse, there was a monster eating the sun and they would jump and yell and chat trying to scare it away. So why should I even worry about any sort of validity?
I worry that I won't find my purpose in life. My niche. The one thing I'm amazing at, and that I can use to be a light to others, to reach out to the world, to make a mark on it.
EDIT: After publishing this post, I realized I had said nothing about my worries of my relationship with my boyfriend. Does that say something? I then start to worry that maybe my relationship isn't as important to me as I thought it was since it wasn't the first thing to pop into my mind when I started this rant, and only did so pop when I had already posted it. I worry about our communication, I'm depressed that we hardly have any pictures from this past year, it feels like deja vu. I worry that maybe I'm not giving enough. That I'm too selfish, or maybe to harsh sometimes. Maybe I expect too much. I have ideals. But maybe its not realistic to expect a man to live up to all those expectations. Also, maybe its too much to expect a 24 year old to be acting like a full grown man. I have no idea. I know that guys really never grow up, but it is too much to ask for some stability? I don't know. And then maybe I'm the one who is acting like I'm in high school. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe there was no problem and I created one...I have no idea.
I also worry about my weight and being in shape. I currently in the process of trying to lose 30-40 pounds, and to get toned and in shape. I want some muscle in these spaghetti arms! I want an awesome stomach. I want to feel sexy and attractive. I pride myself on looking nice, but its hard when you just feel ugly all the time. It also wears on your relationship because I find that I never want to be touched because I don't want anyone to feel and notice the ugliness on my body that I'm trying to desperately to hide. I keep making date goals that I want to get in shape by, lose this amount before, etc. but then find myself sitting on the couch watching some TV show, feeling completely deflated with a tissue box in one hand a bowl of chocolate ice cream in the other. Was I ever in shape? Its hard to remember the days that I would look in the mirror and love the way I looked. When all clothes fit me wherever I shopped, and I didn't have to worry about something not looking good on my body. Is it selfish and narcissist of me to want to look amazing, to turn heads and get compliments? I know I focus too much on appearance when I know that's not what really matters. Its sad, but my looks are where a lot of my confidence comes from. Personality second.
And then I realize this: I worry waaaaaaaaaaaay too much. All the time. About everything. Seriously? No wonder I'm so stressed. I can't get away from myself. I hate people that worry all the time because it stresses me out, but then I do the exact same thing. I'm a hypocrite. How do I stop worrying? I want to be chill, laid back, and fun. How do I do that? Do I simply stop caring about things? But how does that help?
As I started out this post, I was meaning to give an update on my life, but I find that I've just uncovered a new truth about myself that needs to change. And I need help doing that. Does anyone else struggle with this? Please, if you do, make your voice and presence known.
Friendships are hard. Why? Because they take lots of work to keep. I have started to reconnect with some old friends, and I'm trying to stay connected and create deeper connections with new friends. Its hard. To do so, I have to keep up with them. I enjoy doing that, but I find that once I have 5 friends I'm trying to keep up with and be close to, I start to feel overwhelmed. Why is that? Obviously I'm capable of having more than 5 close friends that I keep up with, and see on a regular basic. I HAVE to be. So why is it that I find myself realizing that I haven't seen my friend Rachel since we did her last photoshoot? Or Julia since my birthday party? Or Liz since rehearsal? I haven't spent time with Liz except for rehearsal. I haven't had my usual coffee fix with Matt in over a month. All of these are making me feel as though I'm just a horrible friend. I'm terrible about calling someone up to just chat on the phone. I find once I get them on the phone, I'm always trying to get off it because I can't think of much to say. But I also find myself longing for human interaction, beyond acquaintance, but a deep, heartfelt friendship with someone who knows me and my faults but loves me as a friend anyway. Someone willing to do silly, crazy stuff with me, or someone I feel I can trust and cry in front of without feeling overly vulnerable.
Maybe I close myself off. I don't know. But something has to change there, because I feel I'm fighting against myself and my strange desire to be alone sometimes. Maybe its laziness. But whatever it is, I hate it because it always turns into loneliness and self hate.
Businesses are also hard to keep up. I've got three photo shoot session photos that I still need to finish and put on my Facebook page for Whimsical Photography. I also need to post on my Photography business' blog. I like to talk about my photos and I thought it would be a unique way to attract some attention to my new found hobby, and express myself through what I consider to be a new form of art, a new creative channel.
I'm worried about school. Right now, Small Business Management is a breeze. Although I still freak out a little over tests, I find that if I study, I do pretty well. I'm more worried about the fact that at the end of the semester, I have to create a business plan. And that in Fall 2010 I'll be starting my Photography classes and attending school full time.
Until then I need to find a second job. Which is hard. Because as usual, I'm picky about where I want to work and who I want to work with. My dream job is Cup of Joe. I absolutely LOVE it. Its my favorite hang out, you can wear jeans to work, and its just an amazing place where you and everyone else can constantly express themselves creatively. :) However, I work at Barnes & Noble and one of the girls said that I might not get considered because since Barnes & Noble has a little cafe, we're considered as competition. Really? I would call that discrimination. You can't NOT hire me because of the place I'm currently working! Its not like I wouldn't be as dedicated. Honestly, I think (and I wrote this on my application too) that Cup of Joe trumps Starbucks and Barnes & Noble coffee HANDS DOWN. The atmosphere also wins out.
I'm worried I'll have to make a huge scene and get my point known and made that if it happens that I'm being discriminated against. But I shouldn't worry about that until my one-week check back call on Monday.
Also, I worry about my faith. I believe in God, and that He came to this world to save me, took my sin, died for me through crucifixion, was buried in a tomb, rose in 3 days, and ascended into Heaven with a promise of His return for His children, and judgment. I believe that God is love and He loves everyone, that His love is free, and His salvation is a gift, not something we have to earn through good works. I believe that man is basically sinful, not good, and I try to make a conscious effort show Christ's love to others through my love for them. I believe that God doesn't discriminate or limit His love, that He loves liberals, democrats, republicans, conservatives, atheists, murderers, pedophiles and gays, etc. So, why is that sometimes I still doubt His love for me? That I still worry about the afterlife, and whether or not there is a Heaven and if I'll get into it? I know I have Christ in my heart, and I'm working to have Him in my mind at all times. I find myself worrying about the end times as 2012 draws near and everyone says its going to be when the world ends. The Myans may have been right about a lot of things, but they were also the ones that thought whenever there was an eclipse, there was a monster eating the sun and they would jump and yell and chat trying to scare it away. So why should I even worry about any sort of validity?
I worry that I won't find my purpose in life. My niche. The one thing I'm amazing at, and that I can use to be a light to others, to reach out to the world, to make a mark on it.
EDIT: After publishing this post, I realized I had said nothing about my worries of my relationship with my boyfriend. Does that say something? I then start to worry that maybe my relationship isn't as important to me as I thought it was since it wasn't the first thing to pop into my mind when I started this rant, and only did so pop when I had already posted it. I worry about our communication, I'm depressed that we hardly have any pictures from this past year, it feels like deja vu. I worry that maybe I'm not giving enough. That I'm too selfish, or maybe to harsh sometimes. Maybe I expect too much. I have ideals. But maybe its not realistic to expect a man to live up to all those expectations. Also, maybe its too much to expect a 24 year old to be acting like a full grown man. I have no idea. I know that guys really never grow up, but it is too much to ask for some stability? I don't know. And then maybe I'm the one who is acting like I'm in high school. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe there was no problem and I created one...I have no idea.
I also worry about my weight and being in shape. I currently in the process of trying to lose 30-40 pounds, and to get toned and in shape. I want some muscle in these spaghetti arms! I want an awesome stomach. I want to feel sexy and attractive. I pride myself on looking nice, but its hard when you just feel ugly all the time. It also wears on your relationship because I find that I never want to be touched because I don't want anyone to feel and notice the ugliness on my body that I'm trying to desperately to hide. I keep making date goals that I want to get in shape by, lose this amount before, etc. but then find myself sitting on the couch watching some TV show, feeling completely deflated with a tissue box in one hand a bowl of chocolate ice cream in the other. Was I ever in shape? Its hard to remember the days that I would look in the mirror and love the way I looked. When all clothes fit me wherever I shopped, and I didn't have to worry about something not looking good on my body. Is it selfish and narcissist of me to want to look amazing, to turn heads and get compliments? I know I focus too much on appearance when I know that's not what really matters. Its sad, but my looks are where a lot of my confidence comes from. Personality second.
And then I realize this: I worry waaaaaaaaaaaay too much. All the time. About everything. Seriously? No wonder I'm so stressed. I can't get away from myself. I hate people that worry all the time because it stresses me out, but then I do the exact same thing. I'm a hypocrite. How do I stop worrying? I want to be chill, laid back, and fun. How do I do that? Do I simply stop caring about things? But how does that help?
As I started out this post, I was meaning to give an update on my life, but I find that I've just uncovered a new truth about myself that needs to change. And I need help doing that. Does anyone else struggle with this? Please, if you do, make your voice and presence known.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Whimsical Beginnings
So, I know its been a while since I last posted, and I promise I'll try to keep up with it more often.
Some updates:
Recently, I decided on a major in Photography. Hawkeye has one of the best programs in the country (or so everyone keeps telling me), which is actually really hard to believe considering its a community school and in Waterloo, IOWA. No place special, let me tell you. But they do have a 2 year long waiting list, so that says something. Anyway, I applied and got accepted, and while I can't start my actual classes until Fall 2011, I can still take my last Gen Ed, Small Business Management, so I can figure out how to jump start my own business. I decided it was a waste of time and money to complete my 2 year long gen ed program, when I could already take my major classes. So I'm taking one class, with no excuse for anything but an A, and working as much as possible. I hope to find a second job soon, hopefully at Cup of Joe, but who knows.
In other news, I tried out for Lampost Theater's musical production of "Pyrates!", a musical about Mary Reed, a female pirate. I saw it when they first wrote the play and put it on 4 years ago and absolutely LOVED it. So when I heard they were doing it again, I jumped at the chance to be in a musical this year, since I'd passed up "Joseph and the Technicolored Dreamcoat" this summer at WCP. I got into the cast, and we've had our first rehearsal where we talked about the goals for the show, and learned the main theme song. However, none of the cast members know what part they have, including me. Its kind of a mystery as to when we'll find out, and its definitely not what I'm used to. As usual, I'm shooting high for the stars, hoping for the part of Mary Reed, and hoping I can be happy and shine even if I don't get the part. I'll keep you updated (I know, I always say that)!
Since I have a while before I can start my photography classes and get any real professional instruction, I decided it wouldn't hurt to get some experience of my own, hands on. I posted a status on my Facebook saying "Free photoshoots, unlimited shots, any takers?" and got 11 responses right off the bat. Eleven responses may not sound like a lot to you, but its a lot. Really. Setting up times with everyone is difficult, and I try to get to those who contacted me first.
Someone wants me to take pictures of their baby chihuahuas, two friends want me to take pictures of their graduating teens, a friend wants me to take pictures of his two year old son, and a scattered amount of people just want me to take pictures of them, posting in reply to my status "Take muh picture!"
So far, I've taken photos of my boyfriend Anthony to try out locations, and then set up and completed separate shoots with my friends Julia, Aubrey, and then took photos of one of my best friends and her fiance for their weddings invitations. I just set up a Wednesday afternoon shoot for one of the senior picture requests for 2pm.
Its so much fun taking photos. I never really realized how much I enjoyed it. One morning, I honestly just sat up in bed and said "I'm going to do a Photography major and own my own business". So far, prospects are looking pretty good. :) I haven't decided yet if I'm going to specialize in any sort of photography such as Portraits, Weddings, or Pets. Right now, I'm just doing a bit of everything, whatever I can get.
So, I've been debating about whether I want to create a new blog for my photos, or stick with this one. I'm thinking a new one. But no worries, I am not leaving you, I will continue to update on both. :)
Thanks to whoever reads this for...well...reading.
Your Modern Day Anne,
~Cassie
Some updates:
Recently, I decided on a major in Photography. Hawkeye has one of the best programs in the country (or so everyone keeps telling me), which is actually really hard to believe considering its a community school and in Waterloo, IOWA. No place special, let me tell you. But they do have a 2 year long waiting list, so that says something. Anyway, I applied and got accepted, and while I can't start my actual classes until Fall 2011, I can still take my last Gen Ed, Small Business Management, so I can figure out how to jump start my own business. I decided it was a waste of time and money to complete my 2 year long gen ed program, when I could already take my major classes. So I'm taking one class, with no excuse for anything but an A, and working as much as possible. I hope to find a second job soon, hopefully at Cup of Joe, but who knows.
In other news, I tried out for Lampost Theater's musical production of "Pyrates!", a musical about Mary Reed, a female pirate. I saw it when they first wrote the play and put it on 4 years ago and absolutely LOVED it. So when I heard they were doing it again, I jumped at the chance to be in a musical this year, since I'd passed up "Joseph and the Technicolored Dreamcoat" this summer at WCP. I got into the cast, and we've had our first rehearsal where we talked about the goals for the show, and learned the main theme song. However, none of the cast members know what part they have, including me. Its kind of a mystery as to when we'll find out, and its definitely not what I'm used to. As usual, I'm shooting high for the stars, hoping for the part of Mary Reed, and hoping I can be happy and shine even if I don't get the part. I'll keep you updated (I know, I always say that)!
Since I have a while before I can start my photography classes and get any real professional instruction, I decided it wouldn't hurt to get some experience of my own, hands on. I posted a status on my Facebook saying "Free photoshoots, unlimited shots, any takers?" and got 11 responses right off the bat. Eleven responses may not sound like a lot to you, but its a lot. Really. Setting up times with everyone is difficult, and I try to get to those who contacted me first.
Someone wants me to take pictures of their baby chihuahuas, two friends want me to take pictures of their graduating teens, a friend wants me to take pictures of his two year old son, and a scattered amount of people just want me to take pictures of them, posting in reply to my status "Take muh picture!"
So far, I've taken photos of my boyfriend Anthony to try out locations, and then set up and completed separate shoots with my friends Julia, Aubrey, and then took photos of one of my best friends and her fiance for their weddings invitations. I just set up a Wednesday afternoon shoot for one of the senior picture requests for 2pm.
Its so much fun taking photos. I never really realized how much I enjoyed it. One morning, I honestly just sat up in bed and said "I'm going to do a Photography major and own my own business". So far, prospects are looking pretty good. :) I haven't decided yet if I'm going to specialize in any sort of photography such as Portraits, Weddings, or Pets. Right now, I'm just doing a bit of everything, whatever I can get.
So, I've been debating about whether I want to create a new blog for my photos, or stick with this one. I'm thinking a new one. But no worries, I am not leaving you, I will continue to update on both. :)
Thanks to whoever reads this for...well...reading.
Your Modern Day Anne,
~Cassie
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Day In, Day Out...Nothing New To Talk About
So my current Facebook status is: Cassie Yost is really getting frustrated/irritated with my job.
Why? Keep on reading.
I like my job, the people I work with are awesome, however I feel like I'm stuck behind this stupid cash register and not gaining any sort new experience (or building on the little I have) in different areas of the store that I could use to find and establish myself in other future jobs. I am no longer allowed to take shifts for anyone in the store unless the Manager has enough people to move around so that I end up at cashwrap AGAIN. I feel like I'm being treated like a newbie with zip training, but I've been there for almost a year! Hello, its not my fault that I don't know how to do anything anywhere else in the store anymore, or that I've lost all my previous experience because...well, nobody lets me do anything! This has been going on since early this year! If not longer. I've lost track, kind of like the tallies on a prison cell wall. What do they literally expect to have happen when I don't get practice anywhere else? It can't be good for them either, because they lose flexibility with me.
There is nothing more frustrating for me than to feel like I'm accomplishing absolutely NOTHING with the hours I put in at my job. Day in, day out, its the same old thing:
Hellooo, how are you?
Great, did you find everything okay?
Do you have a members card to save 10% today?
Have you at least heard about it? Saving up to 40% off some purchases?
Do you want this all in one bag?
Please sign.
Receipt with you or in the bag?
And any other random chitchat I can come up with. Gaaaahhh!!!
I'm seriously ready to pull my hair out. Almost EVERYONE knows I hate where I'm at, that I want to be moved around.
I want to be trained in Customer Service because then at least I can walk around the store and being doing stuff besides just standing behind the cash register, trapped in a little area, tidying it up until there is no more tidying to be done.
I want to be trained in Music&DVD because I really enjoy both those things, music is a passion for me, I like helping people find new music and finding new music myself.
I want to be trained in Café because it would be fun to know how to make all those awesome drinks, recommend my favorites and then have that training already if I ever decided to apply at Starbucks or Cup of Joe (I LOVE Cup of Joe, I really want to work there).
But no. When I ask directly about being moved around, I feel as though they are just trying to humor me by putting me on Nook for 1 hour, Kids Customer Service for another hour, and then throwing me back up at cash wrap for the rest of my shift and leave me up there for all my future shifts until I bitch again.
Seriously?
I'm really getting fed up. I've been looking for a new job, because I really need to be working full time. However, I don't know how much longer I can last behind a cash register asking every smiling face (or not) "Would you like the receipt with you or in the bag? Have a nice day!" when my day is as gloomy as the raincloud over Eeyore.
But yeah, just felt the need to vent a little. Thanks for reading. :)
~Julia
P.s. In case you're wondering why a lot of the posts on here have different sign off names at the bottom, its just because I like to change it up and sign off with different names I really happen to like at the time, usually more than my own. :)
Why? Keep on reading.
I like my job, the people I work with are awesome, however I feel like I'm stuck behind this stupid cash register and not gaining any sort new experience (or building on the little I have) in different areas of the store that I could use to find and establish myself in other future jobs. I am no longer allowed to take shifts for anyone in the store unless the Manager has enough people to move around so that I end up at cashwrap AGAIN. I feel like I'm being treated like a newbie with zip training, but I've been there for almost a year! Hello, its not my fault that I don't know how to do anything anywhere else in the store anymore, or that I've lost all my previous experience because...well, nobody lets me do anything! This has been going on since early this year! If not longer. I've lost track, kind of like the tallies on a prison cell wall. What do they literally expect to have happen when I don't get practice anywhere else? It can't be good for them either, because they lose flexibility with me.
There is nothing more frustrating for me than to feel like I'm accomplishing absolutely NOTHING with the hours I put in at my job. Day in, day out, its the same old thing:
Hellooo, how are you?
Great, did you find everything okay?
Do you have a members card to save 10% today?
Have you at least heard about it? Saving up to 40% off some purchases?
Do you want this all in one bag?
Please sign.
Receipt with you or in the bag?
And any other random chitchat I can come up with. Gaaaahhh!!!
I'm seriously ready to pull my hair out. Almost EVERYONE knows I hate where I'm at, that I want to be moved around.
I want to be trained in Customer Service because then at least I can walk around the store and being doing stuff besides just standing behind the cash register, trapped in a little area, tidying it up until there is no more tidying to be done.
I want to be trained in Music&DVD because I really enjoy both those things, music is a passion for me, I like helping people find new music and finding new music myself.
I want to be trained in Café because it would be fun to know how to make all those awesome drinks, recommend my favorites and then have that training already if I ever decided to apply at Starbucks or Cup of Joe (I LOVE Cup of Joe, I really want to work there).
But no. When I ask directly about being moved around, I feel as though they are just trying to humor me by putting me on Nook for 1 hour, Kids Customer Service for another hour, and then throwing me back up at cash wrap for the rest of my shift and leave me up there for all my future shifts until I bitch again.
Seriously?
I'm really getting fed up. I've been looking for a new job, because I really need to be working full time. However, I don't know how much longer I can last behind a cash register asking every smiling face (or not) "Would you like the receipt with you or in the bag? Have a nice day!" when my day is as gloomy as the raincloud over Eeyore.
But yeah, just felt the need to vent a little. Thanks for reading. :)
~Julia
P.s. In case you're wondering why a lot of the posts on here have different sign off names at the bottom, its just because I like to change it up and sign off with different names I really happen to like at the time, usually more than my own. :)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Here Comes The Sun...
So I am pretty much loving my life right now. I'm not sure when that turn around happened, it could be when I started going to Lampost's bible study/BASIC after being invited by my friend Liz a bunch of times, until I finally had the night off from work to make it out! Its been awesome to spend time doing fun activities (this is no normal bible study!) with amazing people who are just as thirsty for God and struggling with
the same things that I am. Definitely a huge encouragement, and I find that I no longer feel so alone in a crowd of people, or out of place.
In my spare time I've signed up for a single class this fall semester to complete my Gen Ed's in order to be eligible for Hawkeye's Photography Major program. I've already been excepted, so I'll be taking this class and working as much as possible to kill time until Fall 2011 when I can start. :)
I also have been trying to nurture and cultivate existin
g and new friendships, and to be serving God and my friends and family as
much as I can.
My friend Liz is getting married on November 27th! Soooo exciting!!! She is marrying my friend Mike Runge. They are so perfect together! Definitely an inspiration for my own relationship.
Picture time!
Liz & Mike at Lampost's 80's Prom. So fun!
Liz & I
I've offered to make pies for Liz's wedding, so hopefully we will have a taste test soon! Also, we'll hopefully find time to drive around the Waterloo/Cedar Falls area to scope out some cool places for her wedding photos, and maybe take some fun photos of our own while we're at it. :) I may also see if I have time to volunteer to pick up their wedding photographers the day before the wedding since I'm interested in a Photography major and I find it very enlightening and inspiring to talk to fellow photographers who are already in the business.
Fun events coming up are a shopping trip with Liz (yay, shopping!!), and then a camping trip with the Lampost crew!
I'm hoping to polish my acting skills and bask in the lime light a little soon by trying out for Lampost's "Pirates!" play that's coming up, and maybe "Treasure Island" or "The Big 5O" at WCP.
Anthony and I are also investing valuable time in each other, trying to avoid distracting media when we're together, and learning more about how the other person ticks. We also enjoy coming up with new ways to have fun or go on dates without spending much money. Its definitely been fun. :)
So that's my life so far, keeping busy, working, Anthony, friends, family and God are all my priorities right now, and things seem to be going my way.
I'm feeling alive, and loving the life God has given me. Summer is shaping up to be pretty amazing this year. Its a good feeling. :)
<3 's ,
~Cassie
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