It may seem cliché, but hey, its my life.

Count the starts in the sky
each one shining so far away
Count the flecks in my eyes
each one a memory to stay

Some things that at first seem so small
are really big and outshine them all
its hard to believe I've come this far
from where I once was, I'm a shining star
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I just wrote that. And I like it, or the idea of it at least. Calling yourself a shining star may seem reminiscent of some middle school sentiment that some teacher once preached to her students but it describes how I truly feel right now and have felt these past two weeks.

Months ago (about January through July), if you'd asked me if I was happy, I probably would have smiled and said "Of course!" and added under my breath, "...happy enough".

I'd shut myself up in a closet, a cloud blocking my light if you will, and decided that where I was at was where I was at, it sucked and there wasn't much I could do about it.

Umm, hello self, since WHEN have I ever been the throw-in-the-towel, party-in-my-backyard-pool-of-pity, settling kind of woman? Never. That's when.

I'd always been a self-driven, self-motivated, confident, independent, passionate, outspoken and free-spirited, strong woman. But somehow now I felt deflated, discouraged and depressed. D. D. D. All bad things and bad feelings to have pretty much all of the time. Ever since leaving MUDD in May of this year and once again joining the crazy each-man-for-himself dog fight of the job hunt, I'd quickly lost the majority of my drive and had a huge chuck of confidence bit out of me.

For one, it was hard for me to admit that I was incapable of doing phone sales (actually, its hard for me to admit that I'm incapable of doing anything) and that calling up car dealers trying to sell them advertising made me want to constantly slit my wrists and die (not literally. Just so you're not freaking out thinking I'd gone suicidal or something). That's where reality and the competitive job market took a big bite out of my shoulder.

Normally, job hunting wouldn't be a difficult task for me. I'm very hirable (I know, I know, not a word, but it is now. And not to toot my own horn, but *toot toot*) and normally wouldn't be unemployed for more than 2 weeks tops. So at first I was fine. But the difference this time is that I was joining a more competitive group of job hunters: I was leveling up and looking for a full-time job that would pay me $10 an hour at least. Paid time off and benefits were pluses but not necessities. However, the fact that I didn't have a college degree (so much for my all-nighters in high school for A's that I thought were the difference between life and death ever doing me any good) and very little to no experience as an administrative secretary (the best paying line of work I'd chosen that I felt I was most qualified for that didn't involve having to go back to school to dig a deeper hole of debt) made it almost impossible to get noticed. Thanks to technology taking over the world, most applications are now online, so meeting your possible future employer face to face is about as probable as having a beer with the President of the United States at a local pub (oh wait, that actually happened!). If I was contacted at all, it was usually to tell me "Thank you for your interest, blah blah blah, we had a lot of applicants, blah blah blah, you don't have enough experience, yada yada yada". Eventually these responses to my meager resume and skills started to sound a lot like the adults from Peanuts (wawawa).

At some point I finally got fed up with my anxiety and depression tendencies (I was so sick of being stuck around myself) that I finally made the decision to see a therapist/life coach. I know many people's opinions of psychologists are negative, but I was at the end of my rope. Me, someone who always had a plan, and a plan B in case that plan didn't work out and some last resorts if plan B didn't work out (I seriously believe I would be an awesome survivor of LOST), no longer had a plan. And that terrified me. I was desperate. I was unhappy with myself, my lack of accomplishment and productivity, my social life and my relationships. I was in a vicious circle and it was time to make a change.

Jump ahead to now. I am happier than I've been in years. And a lot of it lies with making a lot of personal changes that had to do with my outlook. I no longer believe in 5 year plans (easier to toss out the window than I thought it would be, mostly because it wasn't working out for me so far anyway). I am in the moment. Before I was rushing around like a chicken with its head cut off, my mind going a mile a minute, over analyzing, expecting perfection from myself and crashing into the depths of despair when that didn't happen, and over all completely wearing myself out to weakness. Now, I'm in the moment in my life, my conversations, my relationships with people, my work, everything. I have slowed to smell the roses, to appreciate, to speculate. I no longer allow myself to think negatively about my emotions, who I am as a person, my strength, my quirkiness and worrying whether or not it will scare off those around me (which if it does, I probably don't want those people around anyway). I love the fact that I'm independent, that I can't be funny when I'm trying (but I'm apparently a riot when I'm not trying at all), that I'm colorful and passionate. That I care about helping others and reaching out and connecting with them. I love that I am outspoken, that I know what I do and don't like, and that I know what I want to do with my life but only to a certain extent (because what I want is constantly in the process of morphing into something new). I love me. Not in a way that is selfish, but in a self-appreciating, self-acknowledging, self-accepting way.


This morning I woke up and quickly jotted down a list of the positive things that have happened for me this year, that have positively effected me and helped to bring me up again.

1. I was apart of the "Wizard of Oz" summer musical at WCP theater. I met some awesome new people, and reconnected with some good friends I hadn't seen in a while. I was reminded of how friends can mean just as much to you as family.

2. After months of running around town dropping off applications, hours spent searching online for job openings, filling out application forms, and many rejections, I was finally offered a job at Trinity Episco Church in Waterloo as their administrative secretary. Despite my lack of experience, they were willing and happy to give me the training I need to get up to speed. These are valuable skills I will be able to use for future jobs and be able to acquire from hands-on experience (the way I learn best) rather than shelling out cash for a college class. Also, the pay is great and as long as I budget well, money will no longer be my primary concern. I get paid time off AND benefits!

3. I had the opportunity and pleasure of being an extra in "A Place For Heroes", a film being shot locally in the historical towns of Traer and Clutier. A fantastic experience that opened doors and gave me new enthusiastic connections as well as new friends.

4. I was able to recently record some of my original music for the first time. I am in the process of self-producing a single and moving closer toward my next step of getting up a Kickstarter page this year with the goal of getting my first official album professionally produced early next year.

5. I am playing my first live music show at Lampost Theater & Coffee Co. on October 27th. This is huge for me, Lampost is a second home and I'm really looking forward to playing in a safe environment that I'm completely at home in performing for friends and family. Hopefully it will be the first of many performances!

6. I was honored to play and sing in a homosexual friend's wedding (also the first gay wedding I'd ever attended), performing the couple's song. It was extremely emotional, very touching and I am so honored to have been given the privilege to be apart of their special day.

7. I have met and maintained relationships with many wonderful new people this year and I can only hope that those relationships continue to grow and prosper.


Its true that when a door closes, a window opens, and that the best things in  life really do happen by happenstance. Finally, I am back on my feet. I'm gaining momentum, and moving in positive directions. Strength, confidence and passion have returned to my bones and to my soul, and I don't plan on losing that again. I am proud to be a strong woman, an artist, and an entrepreneur, among many other things. I will never again apologize for being who God made me to be: Loud, passionate, empathetic, emotional, driven, determined, quirky, colorful, freckled, opinionated, outspoken, open-minded, adventurous, imaginative, free-spirited, and the list goes on and will continue to grow as I do.

Don't judge a town by its size, but by the strength and heart of its people

Today, my hometown of Cedar Falls welcomed home Taylor Morris, a local war hero and Navy bomb detection expert who lost parts of all four of his limbs in an explosion in May. This is his first time home since his deployment.

I was driving down Main Street in Cedar Falls on my way to my sister's house and was overwhelmed with a strong feeling of pride for my small down of Cedar Falls, Iowa. Everywhere there were flags, and almost every shop had some welcome tribute to our celebrated soldier. I couldn't help parking my car and walking up and down the street to take photos. I'm proud to be apart of a town that takes pride in its citizens and shows love for our community as a family and a whole. It was so touching that so many people took the time to welcome Taylor at the airport, to organize a welcome route and to decorate to let him know just how much we appreciate his service and sacrifice. He is an inspiration to us all.

Read more about it and see photos on the Waterloo Cedar Falls Courier website.

Here are the photos I took. Click them to see to see them larger. :)

The Cedar Falls Theater

The windows read "Welcome Home Taylor" and "We're PROUD of you!"

Most of the bars/grills had contributions as well. There were lots of balloons.

Even the little trinket and clothing shops joined in with their little touches and sidewalk signs

Flags lined the street, landscaping and shop fronts.

Three Pieces of News, A Lecture and A Vent

Literally what the title says.

Three Random Pieces of Exciting News

1. Looking forward to recording some of my music with my friend Phil Gould on the 31st! Just for fun mostly, but depending on what we make, it will probably be used for promotional purposes to get myself out there and to use as background music for my Kickstarter video to fund my first record. Also, I want to submit them in a search for music by songwriters 21-years-old and younger for the chance to be on a soundtrack for an independent film. Yes. I'm almost twenty-three. But they don't need to know that. The strategy here is to submit my music, they love it so much that they want to use it, find out I'm not twenty-one and use it anyway. I'll keep you posted on how that works out.

2. I guess its safe to tell you all now, I was offered the administrative secretary position at Trinity Episco Church in Waterloo on Thursday!! They are happy to train me for the skills I lack, which is incredible as I'll finally be able to list them on my resume for future jobs. I will hopefully be starting September 10th or sooner.

3. No Shame Theatre! Cedar Falls Chapter starts September 7th for the new semester! Start writing or perfecting your sketches and pieces for the upcoming shows and be there or be square!!

A Lecture

Honesty is something I highly value, respect and expect out of myself as well as others. If there is anything in this world that I hate more, its dishonesty. I don't care if you lie out right, or if its a lie by omission of certain information. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and have what you say filter into and match up with your actions. The truth is void when its replaced with a contradictory action. If you are dishonest because you wish to avoid conflict, because you want to continue in your dishonesty, or because you don't want to hurt someone, you will most likely just be in it deeper when the truth finds you out and you're caught with your pants down, rather than if you had just been up front in the first place. Especially if its the latter of the three, because it usually means that the person you were dishonest with found out you weren't telling the truth, and thus the lie cut deeper than the truth, because on top of it all they were betrayed by someone they cared about and trusted. Being honest may be hard sometimes, but its worse if you are dishonest and it costs you someone's trust, a possible friendship/relationship, and your own moral character.

Just my thoughts (and, as always, strong opinion) based on personal experiences that resurfaced during a recent conversation. I guess I've always been of the opinion that honesty and straight-forwardness was never a lot to ask for.

A Vent

My favorite part of working customer service at the bookstore is when someone calls in looking for a book that is 10+ years old that they are convinced is brand spankin' new because of some program they saw om PBS or a talk show. When I inform them that we don't carry said book, can't order it and can't even find it on the internet because it seems to be out of print, the customer on the phone demands to speak to someone older than me (because clearly you can tell my age just by my phone voice) who will know what obscure title and celebrity author they are talking about, because I am obviously too young to know who "The Little Rascals" are and how to use the internet.

All work and no play makes Jack...well, dull.

So despite a fun-filled evening of friends and live music over drinks and then even a little karaoke (I love my five minutes of fame and crowds, large and small, that never fail to disappoint and consistently keep me motivated to continue fighting for my dream as a performer with their eager and sincere compliments accompanied by a shake of my hand or a touch of my shoulder and always an enthusiastic smile), the highlight of my evening happened within a 5 minute increment of time. Maybe less.

On my way home at the close of my evening, I decided to break my rule of not eating before bed (and my rule of not eating fast food whenever possible, minus car trips) and indulge in my craving for McDonald’s legendary French fries and $1 burger (no cheese, please!). I pulled up to the late night/24hour drive-thru (those poor souls) and was quickly greeted by an enthusiastic and rather comical voice that sounded like it could belong do a cartoon character:

MD: Hello! How can *I* help YoU? (complete with abnormal vocal inflections)

Me: *surprised pause*….(I suppress a giggle just in case this is the server’s actual voice, God bless him) – Um, yes, please. I’d like a dollar fry and dollar burger please.

MD: No.

Me: *giggling, now that I know its a game we're playing* -- Pretty, pretty, pretty pleeeease?

MD: Oh, alright, since you went and twisted my arm. 240 pennies at the first window, please.

I pull up to the window and have a brief conversation with this probably 16-year-old dorky kid with unruly blond hair and a very cheerful smile (completely genuine I might add, aside from the purposeful goofiness). It consists of my telling him that I’m very sorry, but I left my change jar at home and only had plastic. But if I’d known that you wanted pennies, I would have gladly brought 240 of them in one of my burlap moneybags with a dollar sign on it. He excused me since this was only my first offense.

He gleefully told me to have a good night and handed me back my card. I pull up the second window and wait patiently for my food. After a short time, a wary-faced manager appears and hands me the largest McDonald’s family sized to-go bag I have ever seen:

In the background, the dorky blond kid smiled at me and waved energetically as I pulled away, a still semi-surprised but very entertained expression and smile on my face as I waved back.

I have to give this kid kudos. For one, he has guts to pull something like that when McDonald’s and frankly any late night food provider can get some pretty shady and cranky characters after bar close who slipped and dropped their sense of humor in their last Long Island Iced Tea (which has absolutely no tea in it, by the way). Second, with being open 24 hours, the 3^rd shift can get pretty hairy and monotonous. Kudos to the dorky kid for finding a way to make a bottom-line job fun, and points to his manager for loosening up a little and allowing some fun into the work place.

I was so distracted by this whole play out that I actually forgot to request no cheese on my burger. C'est la vie.

Words to the Wise

I was browsing through old posts (and wow, do you ever read something and wonder "Who was that person?"? I swear, I have an undiagnosed mulch-personality disorder.) and found this little gem. I felt the need to re-share it since hey, it was kind of funny...

____________________________

When going out to a bar with a group of friends for a friend's birthday party follow these rules:

1. Stay with your group. Do not wonder off alone, allowing yourself to be a sitting duck.

2. Don't drink more than one or two drinks, thus keeping your better judgment intact.

3. Do NOT give out your number. To anyone. Don't make this your night to "woman up" and make the first move. Leave it for the guys. Its better that way and will save you a lot of grief.

Reasons that I suggest these rules? I experienced all of the above in one night.

Tonight was my friend's 21st birthday party. We went out to a local bar, and I bought her a shot (Dirty Girl Scout shots taste just like thin mints, fyi, making them the best shot ever). For those of you who don't drink alcohol, and its fine if you don't, or have strong feelings against it, ignore that statement above. We drank fruit punch Kool-aid at Chuck-E-Cheese.

Anyway. Let me remind you that we live in Iowa. And meeting a decent guy out and about at a bar is 10-1 impossible. Yet, for some reason that is unbeknown to me, hope springs eternal when your social life is as limited as mine being a flustered jam-packed workaholic.

Thus, just because a pretty good looking guy comes up and introduces himself, buys you a drink and strikes up some conversation that seems promising, let me remind you that you have only met him maybe 10 minutes before and your best friend is staring at you with a look that says "What the heck are you doing" and nudging you towards the door, or pretending to be your jealous girlfriend.

So you leave, but against your better judgment you hand this guy your number on a janky piece of receipt paper the waitress gave you. This is not the first of your mistakes for the past 15 minutes.

You ride the elevator, quite pleased with yourself for making the first move for the first time. You pat yourself on the back for being a fearless superwoman, "Yeah!".

You and your group are walking to your cars when all of the sudden, said tall (taller than you noticed when he was sitting next to you, hmm...) and lanky (he seemed broader sitting down too...) comes running across the street towards you and your friends. He stops short of the side walk, and everyone starts shouting at him to get out of the street before he gets hit. Idiot.

He runs up and then begs you and your friends for a ride, claiming his ride abandoned him and his phone is dead. Your girlfriend, J, tries to get rid of him, seeing as she's the bolder of you two. "Brian, your ride didn't leave you. And don't hand me your phone for proof, I don't know how to work that thing. Look, there's your ride."

And low and behold, a second guy comes running up. Relieved, you ask if they know each other. They give each other estranged looks. Then Guy #2 says "Yeeaaah...I think I know him. Yeah, yeah, I do! Hey bro!"

Us: "See? See?? He's your ride!"

Guy #2: "No dude, I'm not his ride..."

Us: "Oh....well, you can be now!"

Guy #2: "No dudes. I don't know him..."

You: "But you just said..."

J: "Call a taxi. We have to go, bye!"

At this point, you are kicking yourself very hard for being such an over-zealous moron and giving your number out to someone you don't even know, who is clearly not a grown up.

He then proceeds to throw his hands up, roll his eyes and say "Tuh! You know what, fine. Forget it if you're just going to be like that. I'll just walk. I wish you the best. Bye."

J: "Okay! :)"

What is this, New Years Eve? Who says "I wish you the best" unless you're at a big, turn of the year party, a graduation ceremony or a wedding? This was probably the third or forth time he'd issued out this phrase.

Your group quickly starts to edge away, with you fighting the urge to run, dragging your friend in tow.

You walk til you run into the other part of your group and then pile into J's boyfriend's car. You somehow step on and spill an Arby's cup and feel Pepsi spill into your shoe. Sticky. T and the gang then drives you to your car and walks you the rest of the way to your car just to be safe.

Quote of the night:

You: "HELP ME! There is a creepy 27-year-old toddler after me who won't give up!"

K's boyfriend: "What a---...wait a minute. Don't you always have some creepy guy after you whenever we go out?"

So. Lesson learned. Do NOT give your number out to creepy, childish, 27-year-old frat boys. Even if they work at John Deere. You gold-digger.

America Is Not The Greatest Country In The World Anymore

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." - The Declaration of Independence - July 4th, 1776

Independence Day is my favorite holiday. While I do love this country, I also agree and hold the opinion that it is not the greatest country in the world anymore. We do not hold the morality and stature that we claim to, and we certainly are not informed like we used to be nor do we take up the responsibilities of citizenship and act in the good interest of our country, our freedoms or the lives of those around us.

Sharing this clip from the new HBO series "The Newsroom", because I thought it was appropriate and relevant.

Happy Independence Day!

Thank you, Ray Bradbury

"Do what you love and love what you do...if someone tells you to do something for money, tell them to go to hell." ~ Ray Bradbury (August 22, 1920 - June 5th, 2012)

Ray Bradbury was amazing. I salute him. His writings and his mindset were incredible and innovative. "Fahrenheit 451" is one of my top 10 favorite books. I remember the feelings I felt while being immersed in literary heaven, being mesmerized by the concepts of the talking walls and the mechanic dogs that hunted those who did not comply with the rules. I soaked up the information about my enemies, and tried to figure out how I (putting myself in the shoes of the main character) would defeat or escape them. The burning of the books made me infuriated, horrified and mournful as I read, with no power to change the plot line and save the literary treasures. Only to read on in hopes for a way of redemption.

So thank you, Ray Bradbury, for contributing such wonderful, thoughtful and staying literary treasures as well as your plays, poetry and film. You were truly an artist and few, I believe, will be able to achieve your dedication or greatness.

Here is a link to a great article about Ray Bradbury's life accomplishments, who he was as a person, his stances on modern technology and history as a writer, poet and play writer.