Holly Golightly

I've decided for Halloween that I'm going to be Holly Golightly. Holly has been my alias for a number of things, writing, music, etc. I've debated between being Ms. Golightly or Ms. Roseveare as my last name, but decided to follow the footsteps of my most beloved literary inspiration, Holly Golightly.


I've debated between this dress and the classic full length black dress Holly wears on her visit to Tiffany's.




I'd also considered being a Zombie. Maybe I'll be zombie Holly Golightly. I don't know. Or save it for next year. Or just throw a Zombie party. :P

Happy Birthday To Me

Semi-good news: I'm turning 22 today. Good because God has blessed me with another year full of friends and family and blessings. Bad, because I'm getting older and I still haven't done even half of the things I want to do yet.

Very bad news: Oliver, my sweet babycakes kitty has fleas for the first time in the 14 years of his life. Found one on my sweater after hugging him when I got home from work last night. I thought it was a gnat and tried to squish it. It didn't squish. Instead it jumped and landed in my bathroom sink where I really really squished it with my thumb ("Eeeeek! Die, die!"), after which I examined it on my thumb.

Freaked.

I grabbed Oliver and put him in a headlock and searched his fur. I found one on his head and rushed him outside again, not bothering to look for more, holding him at arms length like a time bomb. I woke my mom up and had her check my hair and my bed. All clear. Thank the Lord I went with pastel blue sheets and a white comforter instead of dark purple. We researched fleas and cures a little on our laptops, apparently the cycle and treatment of fleas is a lot like that of head lice. Ew.

I set Oliver up in the garage with his litter box, luring him in with some canned cat food as a sort of apology for throwing him back outside after it'd been raining all day. My baby is sleeping on an old pillow. :( I miss him curled up above my head.

I fell asleep praying/begging God to pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease let this be an easy fix and not an infestation. I have a phobia of bugs in my house and my things and on me. The first year we had earwigs, my mother woke up to find me going bat crazy in our kitchen, spraying Ortho Home Defense Max everywhere. Puddles of Otho with writhing earwigs in the center dotted the floor like a mine field. I was uncontrollable, irrational, and sleep deprived.

So. Hopefully he just got them last night. I didn't search long but in my opinion 2 fleas = 4 or more in this case. Any prayers are appreciated.

I have to go as the Vet clinic just opened and I'm going to hog their phone line.

*sigh* Happy birthday to me.

Transformed or still a Transformer?

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. ~ Romans 12:2

Transformation was the topic of last Thursday night's Basic bible study in Lang Hall on the UNI campus.

First off, let me just say that I have been putting Basic off for a while. Mainly because I prefer smaller groups of study, where you can converse, discuss and bond. I wrote of Basic because the one time I went before, I didn't enjoy it. I don't know why, maybe it was the dark lighting (but I'm in dark lighting all the time whenever I go out with friends), or maybe it was that it was too much like a Sunday Morning service. Whatever the excuse, I didn't return for over a year. My friends had all been encouraging me to try it again, and inviting me. But I always found some reason not to: I was sick, or too tired, or had a migraine, or had too much to get done, or had too early of a morning.

This Thursday didn't start out much different. I got up at 5am, went to work 6am-2pm, ran some errands and came home around 4pm to collapse into my bed for a long nap. Grumpy, I said I didn't feel like going anywhere when my mom asked if I was going to go to Basic tonight. "No one will appreciate my presence when I'm so crabby." I said. She told me to take a nap, and see how I felt later, because I always regretted not going the next day.

I woke up feeling a lot better and headed over to Lampost to have dinner with some girls who had invited me earlier that week. We had delicious food, and a lot of laughs. Afterward, Chelsea, Sarah and I walked down to Lang hall. It was a beautiful evening, I breathed in the cool air, and was feeling refreshed and happy in the company of my friends.

We met more friends at Basic and sat with them. The worship music started (my favorite part), and I knew the first two songs, but not so much the ones after them. I'm always a little annoyed when I don't know the music, because musical worship is my favorite and when I don't know the material, I feel as though I can't participate.

The teaching started, but was opened up with a video a student had made of other students explaining what they thought Transformation meant. It was then followed with this video:

*****Watch on Youtube in full screen view for the ultimate effect. When I embedded the video on my post, it shrunk the screen and cuts out some of the picture******

This video grabbed my attention. My attitude had been pretty negative and selfish up until this point. I think this is what God used to really grab a hold of me and say "Hey! This isn't about you. This is about Me. Pay attention, you might learn something if you stop thinking and start listening."

So I listened. I hadn't considered that maybe, despite my previous crabbiness, God might appreciate my presence of body and mind. After the video ended, our speaker took the stage and brought up a sentence that said "Being transformed is conforming to the image of God for the sake of others."

I thought about this. I always said I didn't care what others thought about me. Which is great if you're using that to back up your shouting God's name from the mountains. But it doesn't apply if you keep God inside your heart and mind only, as a private thing, because you don't want to deal with the controversy it might produce. Conforming to God's image for the sake of others. Did that mean that I was supposed to let God shine through me so others could see? Wasn't I already doing that? Maybe not as brightly as some, but I definitely was not hiding my light under a bushel. Or was I?

After that, Romans 12:2 dominated the screen: "Be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."

I think up until this point, I was in the foolish mindset that I was already transformed. Already on fire for God. Boy, did He show me.

Following that verse was this concept: Jesus is completely desirable and reliable.

The speaker asked us to think about how this verse made us feel. Did we agree with it wholeheartedly, with feelings and thoughts along the lines of "God is so good, He provides" or "God has let me down. I feel I can't trust Him sometimes."

I found that I fell under the latter. Being a list maker, and a control freak (just a little. :P), I knew that there were many days where I would wave God away saying "Don't worry about it, God, I've got this. I've got it all planned out." Silly me. My plans always fell through, and when they did, I got angry with God for not helping me out. If only I had asked for His guidance and surrendered all to Him in the first place, the outcome would surely have been worth while and honoring to His name.

Following that was Philippians 1:6: "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Indeed He will. Despite my continued struggle against God, He hadn't given up on me. He was working on me, and tonight, He was taking me by storm.

The worship leader took the stage and shared a very personal story about how he had always had the great image: A worship leader, a youth group teacher, always involved, parents wanting their younger children to hang out with him and be more like him. But underneath he had a secret: He was utterly and completely addicted to pornography. Yet, rather than give this up to God, he tried to cover it up with a good image, good deeds and good words to try and weigh out his imperfections. One day, God spoke to him through scripture saying "You aren't perfect. You can't just use me to get into Heaven and then think that I'm done with you, that I'm not going to help you out from here, and you have to go it alone. Though saved by God, you are still a sinner. Your works are still selfish and filthy. Without me, they are nothing. You can't make your own plan and expect it to carry out when I'm not involved. I have a great and wonderful plan for you. You are not alone in this."

This hit me hard. This guy was exactly like me in the sense that he was trying to be a "good Christian" by heaping up the good deeds, through works alone to achieve the image of God. Making lists, and plans, without consulting God in prayer, asking for His help and guidance, or reading His word. I was still a sinner, though saved by God, but a sinner, filthy and dirty and alone without Him.

If this wasn't enough to get my attention and get my emotions flowing, we followed up with more worship songs. Music is my favorite form of expression and worship, and the lyrics of the songs and their meaning, and how they applied to me sent me over the edge. I felt the fire light within my soul again. My rising soul caused me to rise to my feet with others, and I felt my hands reach upwards towards God as I sang the words:

"Forever Reign"

(Verse 1)

You are good

You are good

When there's nothing good in me

You are love

You are love

On display for all to see

You are light

You are light

When the darkness closes in

You are hope

You are hope

You have covered all my sin

(Verse 2)

You are peace

You are peace

When my fear is crippling

You are true

You are true

Even in my wandering

You are joy

You are joy

You're the reason that I sing

You are life

You are life

In You death has lost its sting

(Chorus)

Oh I'm running to Your arms

I'm running to Your arms

The riches of Your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

(Verse 3)

You are more

You are more

Than my words will ever say

You are Lord

You are Lord

All creation will proclaim

You are here

You are here

In Your presence I'm made whole

You are God

You are God

Of all else I'm letting go

(Bridge)

My heart will sing

No other name

Jesus Jesus

I hadn't felt this on fire since years back when I fell to my knees in the auditorium of TeenPact Nationals after a moving sermon almost 3 years ago, maybe longer. My soul was lifted, my arms lifted, I felt as though I was flying. And I could feel God holding me as the tears ran down my cheeks as I, the prodigal son ran to His arms.

I'd been so terrified. My life was already going through so many transformations. Becoming single, going to school, dropping out of school to do music, losing friends and gaining new ones, family transitions, both good and bad. I was already trying to clean my life out of all the bad influences, and fill it with good people, influences and practices. I was trying to start fresh, but it all felt so fake. But I was trying to do it all alone, following my own plan, and lists, and ideas. But somehow, I still felt so alone, and tired. Frustrated and alienated by God. Only it was I who had left God behind.

I was terrified of giving it all up to God and what He might ask me to do. To say. And that I would be persecuted. But now, I felt at peace, my fears chased away by the simple reminder that God is good, so good. He will take are of me, He will not leave me alone to fend for myself, He will always carry me when it becomes too much for me to stand. He will lead my way, not send me into the maze alone.

This song is my new anthem for my heart's transformation that night. When I already thought I was transformed, I realized that I am still a transformer. I want to know God's plan for me, rather than make my own. I want to rely on God alone, knowing His plan will succeed and He will always prevail, where I would normally fail.

Jesus. I give it up to you. I am running to your arms, the riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace, Light of the World forever reign in my life. Show me the way, what to say, guide me in the plan You have for me. My heart will sing no other name. Catch me when I'm falling, help me to stand, and carry me when I can't. You are so good. Transform me into the woman You've made me to be. Help me to always be a transformer, to always be searching for Your truth, to fully trust You and to always be open to the changes You have for me in this life. Keep this fire lit in me, please feed it. Never let it be put out.

****Originally Written September 18th about September 15th. I just never got around to posting it on here****