It may seem cliché, but hey, its my life.

Count the starts in the sky
each one shining so far away
Count the flecks in my eyes
each one a memory to stay

Some things that at first seem so small
are really big and outshine them all
its hard to believe I've come this far
from where I once was, I'm a shining star
_________________

I just wrote that. And I like it, or the idea of it at least. Calling yourself a shining star may seem reminiscent of some middle school sentiment that some teacher once preached to her students but it describes how I truly feel right now and have felt these past two weeks.

Months ago (about January through July), if you'd asked me if I was happy, I probably would have smiled and said "Of course!" and added under my breath, "...happy enough".

I'd shut myself up in a closet, a cloud blocking my light if you will, and decided that where I was at was where I was at, it sucked and there wasn't much I could do about it.

Umm, hello self, since WHEN have I ever been the throw-in-the-towel, party-in-my-backyard-pool-of-pity, settling kind of woman? Never. That's when.

I'd always been a self-driven, self-motivated, confident, independent, passionate, outspoken and free-spirited, strong woman. But somehow now I felt deflated, discouraged and depressed. D. D. D. All bad things and bad feelings to have pretty much all of the time. Ever since leaving MUDD in May of this year and once again joining the crazy each-man-for-himself dog fight of the job hunt, I'd quickly lost the majority of my drive and had a huge chuck of confidence bit out of me.

For one, it was hard for me to admit that I was incapable of doing phone sales (actually, its hard for me to admit that I'm incapable of doing anything) and that calling up car dealers trying to sell them advertising made me want to constantly slit my wrists and die (not literally. Just so you're not freaking out thinking I'd gone suicidal or something). That's where reality and the competitive job market took a big bite out of my shoulder.

Normally, job hunting wouldn't be a difficult task for me. I'm very hirable (I know, I know, not a word, but it is now. And not to toot my own horn, but *toot toot*) and normally wouldn't be unemployed for more than 2 weeks tops. So at first I was fine. But the difference this time is that I was joining a more competitive group of job hunters: I was leveling up and looking for a full-time job that would pay me $10 an hour at least. Paid time off and benefits were pluses but not necessities. However, the fact that I didn't have a college degree (so much for my all-nighters in high school for A's that I thought were the difference between life and death ever doing me any good) and very little to no experience as an administrative secretary (the best paying line of work I'd chosen that I felt I was most qualified for that didn't involve having to go back to school to dig a deeper hole of debt) made it almost impossible to get noticed. Thanks to technology taking over the world, most applications are now online, so meeting your possible future employer face to face is about as probable as having a beer with the President of the United States at a local pub (oh wait, that actually happened!). If I was contacted at all, it was usually to tell me "Thank you for your interest, blah blah blah, we had a lot of applicants, blah blah blah, you don't have enough experience, yada yada yada". Eventually these responses to my meager resume and skills started to sound a lot like the adults from Peanuts (wawawa).

At some point I finally got fed up with my anxiety and depression tendencies (I was so sick of being stuck around myself) that I finally made the decision to see a therapist/life coach. I know many people's opinions of psychologists are negative, but I was at the end of my rope. Me, someone who always had a plan, and a plan B in case that plan didn't work out and some last resorts if plan B didn't work out (I seriously believe I would be an awesome survivor of LOST), no longer had a plan. And that terrified me. I was desperate. I was unhappy with myself, my lack of accomplishment and productivity, my social life and my relationships. I was in a vicious circle and it was time to make a change.

Jump ahead to now. I am happier than I've been in years. And a lot of it lies with making a lot of personal changes that had to do with my outlook. I no longer believe in 5 year plans (easier to toss out the window than I thought it would be, mostly because it wasn't working out for me so far anyway). I am in the moment. Before I was rushing around like a chicken with its head cut off, my mind going a mile a minute, over analyzing, expecting perfection from myself and crashing into the depths of despair when that didn't happen, and over all completely wearing myself out to weakness. Now, I'm in the moment in my life, my conversations, my relationships with people, my work, everything. I have slowed to smell the roses, to appreciate, to speculate. I no longer allow myself to think negatively about my emotions, who I am as a person, my strength, my quirkiness and worrying whether or not it will scare off those around me (which if it does, I probably don't want those people around anyway). I love the fact that I'm independent, that I can't be funny when I'm trying (but I'm apparently a riot when I'm not trying at all), that I'm colorful and passionate. That I care about helping others and reaching out and connecting with them. I love that I am outspoken, that I know what I do and don't like, and that I know what I want to do with my life but only to a certain extent (because what I want is constantly in the process of morphing into something new). I love me. Not in a way that is selfish, but in a self-appreciating, self-acknowledging, self-accepting way.


This morning I woke up and quickly jotted down a list of the positive things that have happened for me this year, that have positively effected me and helped to bring me up again.

1. I was apart of the "Wizard of Oz" summer musical at WCP theater. I met some awesome new people, and reconnected with some good friends I hadn't seen in a while. I was reminded of how friends can mean just as much to you as family.

2. After months of running around town dropping off applications, hours spent searching online for job openings, filling out application forms, and many rejections, I was finally offered a job at Trinity Episco Church in Waterloo as their administrative secretary. Despite my lack of experience, they were willing and happy to give me the training I need to get up to speed. These are valuable skills I will be able to use for future jobs and be able to acquire from hands-on experience (the way I learn best) rather than shelling out cash for a college class. Also, the pay is great and as long as I budget well, money will no longer be my primary concern. I get paid time off AND benefits!

3. I had the opportunity and pleasure of being an extra in "A Place For Heroes", a film being shot locally in the historical towns of Traer and Clutier. A fantastic experience that opened doors and gave me new enthusiastic connections as well as new friends.

4. I was able to recently record some of my original music for the first time. I am in the process of self-producing a single and moving closer toward my next step of getting up a Kickstarter page this year with the goal of getting my first official album professionally produced early next year.

5. I am playing my first live music show at Lampost Theater & Coffee Co. on October 27th. This is huge for me, Lampost is a second home and I'm really looking forward to playing in a safe environment that I'm completely at home in performing for friends and family. Hopefully it will be the first of many performances!

6. I was honored to play and sing in a homosexual friend's wedding (also the first gay wedding I'd ever attended), performing the couple's song. It was extremely emotional, very touching and I am so honored to have been given the privilege to be apart of their special day.

7. I have met and maintained relationships with many wonderful new people this year and I can only hope that those relationships continue to grow and prosper.


Its true that when a door closes, a window opens, and that the best things in  life really do happen by happenstance. Finally, I am back on my feet. I'm gaining momentum, and moving in positive directions. Strength, confidence and passion have returned to my bones and to my soul, and I don't plan on losing that again. I am proud to be a strong woman, an artist, and an entrepreneur, among many other things. I will never again apologize for being who God made me to be: Loud, passionate, empathetic, emotional, driven, determined, quirky, colorful, freckled, opinionated, outspoken, open-minded, adventurous, imaginative, free-spirited, and the list goes on and will continue to grow as I do.