So, I'm terrible at getting back into this blog thing. I never post, which makes people never read it, and still I wonder why only a few people follow me and once in a blue moon someone comments. I'm used to my old Xanga where I had a huge community of people following me. But then I remember that that took a lot of work and dedication. I also remember that I really didn't have a Facebook at that time. Which is kind of what I abandoned my Xanga for. But I miss the personality of blogging, getting to know new people, and expressing my thoughts and feelings to the world.
Friendships are hard. Why? Because they take lots of work to keep. I have started to reconnect with some old friends, and I'm trying to stay connected and create deeper connections with new friends. Its hard. To do so, I have to keep up with them. I enjoy doing that, but I find that once I have 5 friends I'm trying to keep up with and be close to, I start to feel overwhelmed. Why is that? Obviously I'm capable of having more than 5 close friends that I keep up with, and see on a regular basic. I HAVE to be. So why is it that I find myself realizing that I haven't seen my friend Rachel since we did her last photoshoot? Or Julia since my birthday party? Or Liz since rehearsal? I haven't spent time with Liz except for rehearsal. I haven't had my usual coffee fix with Matt in over a month. All of these are making me feel as though I'm just a horrible friend. I'm terrible about calling someone up to just chat on the phone. I find once I get them on the phone, I'm always trying to get off it because I can't think of much to say. But I also find myself longing for human interaction, beyond acquaintance, but a deep, heartfelt friendship with someone who knows me and my faults but loves me as a friend anyway. Someone willing to do silly, crazy stuff with me, or someone I feel I can trust and cry in front of without feeling overly vulnerable.
Maybe I close myself off. I don't know. But something has to change there, because I feel I'm fighting against myself and my strange desire to be alone sometimes. Maybe its laziness. But whatever it is, I hate it because it always turns into loneliness and self hate.
Businesses are also hard to keep up. I've got three photo shoot session photos that I still need to finish and put on my Facebook page for Whimsical Photography. I also need to post on my Photography business' blog. I like to talk about my photos and I thought it would be a unique way to attract some attention to my new found hobby, and express myself through what I consider to be a new form of art, a new creative channel.
I'm worried about school. Right now, Small Business Management is a breeze. Although I still freak out a little over tests, I find that if I study, I do pretty well. I'm more worried about the fact that at the end of the semester, I have to create a business plan. And that in Fall 2010 I'll be starting my Photography classes and attending school full time.
Until then I need to find a second job. Which is hard. Because as usual, I'm picky about where I want to work and who I want to work with. My dream job is Cup of Joe. I absolutely LOVE it. Its my favorite hang out, you can wear jeans to work, and its just an amazing place where you and everyone else can constantly express themselves creatively. :) However, I work at Barnes & Noble and one of the girls said that I might not get considered because since Barnes & Noble has a little cafe, we're considered as competition. Really? I would call that discrimination. You can't NOT hire me because of the place I'm currently working! Its not like I wouldn't be as dedicated. Honestly, I think (and I wrote this on my application too) that Cup of Joe trumps Starbucks and Barnes & Noble coffee HANDS DOWN. The atmosphere also wins out.
I'm worried I'll have to make a huge scene and get my point known and made that if it happens that I'm being discriminated against. But I shouldn't worry about that until my one-week check back call on Monday.
Also, I worry about my faith. I believe in God, and that He came to this world to save me, took my sin, died for me through crucifixion, was buried in a tomb, rose in 3 days, and ascended into Heaven with a promise of His return for His children, and judgment. I believe that God is love and He loves everyone, that His love is free, and His salvation is a gift, not something we have to earn through good works. I believe that man is basically sinful, not good, and I try to make a conscious effort show Christ's love to others through my love for them. I believe that God doesn't discriminate or limit His love, that He loves liberals, democrats, republicans, conservatives, atheists, murderers, pedophiles and gays, etc. So, why is that sometimes I still doubt His love for me? That I still worry about the afterlife, and whether or not there is a Heaven and if I'll get into it? I know I have Christ in my heart, and I'm working to have Him in my mind at all times. I find myself worrying about the end times as 2012 draws near and everyone says its going to be when the world ends. The Myans may have been right about a lot of things, but they were also the ones that thought whenever there was an eclipse, there was a monster eating the sun and they would jump and yell and chat trying to scare it away. So why should I even worry about any sort of validity?
I worry that I won't find my purpose in life. My niche. The one thing I'm amazing at, and that I can use to be a light to others, to reach out to the world, to make a mark on it.
EDIT: After publishing this post, I realized I had said nothing about my worries of my relationship with my boyfriend. Does that say something? I then start to worry that maybe my relationship isn't as important to me as I thought it was since it wasn't the first thing to pop into my mind when I started this rant, and only did so pop when I had already posted it. I worry about our communication, I'm depressed that we hardly have any pictures from this past year, it feels like deja vu. I worry that maybe I'm not giving enough. That I'm too selfish, or maybe to harsh sometimes. Maybe I expect too much. I have ideals. But maybe its not realistic to expect a man to live up to all those expectations. Also, maybe its too much to expect a 24 year old to be acting like a full grown man. I have no idea. I know that guys really never grow up, but it is too much to ask for some stability? I don't know. And then maybe I'm the one who is acting like I'm in high school. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe there was no problem and I created one...I have no idea.
I also worry about my weight and being in shape. I currently in the process of trying to lose 30-40 pounds, and to get toned and in shape. I want some muscle in these spaghetti arms! I want an awesome stomach. I want to feel sexy and attractive. I pride myself on looking nice, but its hard when you just feel ugly all the time. It also wears on your relationship because I find that I never want to be touched because I don't want anyone to feel and notice the ugliness on my body that I'm trying to desperately to hide. I keep making date goals that I want to get in shape by, lose this amount before, etc. but then find myself sitting on the couch watching some TV show, feeling completely deflated with a tissue box in one hand a bowl of chocolate ice cream in the other. Was I ever in shape? Its hard to remember the days that I would look in the mirror and love the way I looked. When all clothes fit me wherever I shopped, and I didn't have to worry about something not looking good on my body. Is it selfish and narcissist of me to want to look amazing, to turn heads and get compliments? I know I focus too much on appearance when I know that's not what really matters. Its sad, but my looks are where a lot of my confidence comes from. Personality second.
And then I realize this: I worry waaaaaaaaaaaay too much. All the time. About everything. Seriously? No wonder I'm so stressed. I can't get away from myself. I hate people that worry all the time because it stresses me out, but then I do the exact same thing. I'm a hypocrite. How do I stop worrying? I want to be chill, laid back, and fun. How do I do that? Do I simply stop caring about things? But how does that help?
As I started out this post, I was meaning to give an update on my life, but I find that I've just uncovered a new truth about myself that needs to change. And I need help doing that. Does anyone else struggle with this? Please, if you do, make your voice and presence known.
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Business Plans aren't too difficult if you just take them one piece at a time. I think I have an old one somewhere I could dig up if you need an example.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about not having enough pics with Anthony! It's a good sign that you two are just having too much fun to stop and worry about picture taking! And try not to have any expectations for anything! If you're always expecting something spectacular, the little things wont mean as much.
As for the weight thing, I think you look fine, but if you want something that can help with a healthy diet, try mypyramid.gov and check out all they have to offer on keeping track of nutrition(but i would suggest trying more fiber since it makes you feel full). They have some awesome features along the left side of the screen.
I worry all the time, and I've found that if you just take a moment to gather yourself when you start to panic, it really helps. I make lots of to-do lists and try to only focus on one thing at a time.
You'll be fine! This is just a point in life where everything seems undecided and nothing is completely certain. Maybe you'll find that if you take everything in stride, you'll start to love the uncertainty of things!