Words to the Wise

I was browsing through old posts (and wow, do you ever read something and wonder "Who was that person?"? I swear, I have an undiagnosed mulch-personality disorder.) and found this little gem. I felt the need to re-share it since hey, it was kind of funny...

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When going out to a bar with a group of friends for a friend's birthday party follow these rules:

1. Stay with your group. Do not wonder off alone, allowing yourself to be a sitting duck.

2. Don't drink more than one or two drinks, thus keeping your better judgment intact.

3. Do NOT give out your number. To anyone. Don't make this your night to "woman up" and make the first move. Leave it for the guys. Its better that way and will save you a lot of grief.

Reasons that I suggest these rules? I experienced all of the above in one night.

Tonight was my friend's 21st birthday party. We went out to a local bar, and I bought her a shot (Dirty Girl Scout shots taste just like thin mints, fyi, making them the best shot ever). For those of you who don't drink alcohol, and its fine if you don't, or have strong feelings against it, ignore that statement above. We drank fruit punch Kool-aid at Chuck-E-Cheese.

Anyway. Let me remind you that we live in Iowa. And meeting a decent guy out and about at a bar is 10-1 impossible. Yet, for some reason that is unbeknown to me, hope springs eternal when your social life is as limited as mine being a flustered jam-packed workaholic.

Thus, just because a pretty good looking guy comes up and introduces himself, buys you a drink and strikes up some conversation that seems promising, let me remind you that you have only met him maybe 10 minutes before and your best friend is staring at you with a look that says "What the heck are you doing" and nudging you towards the door, or pretending to be your jealous girlfriend.

So you leave, but against your better judgment you hand this guy your number on a janky piece of receipt paper the waitress gave you. This is not the first of your mistakes for the past 15 minutes.

You ride the elevator, quite pleased with yourself for making the first move for the first time. You pat yourself on the back for being a fearless superwoman, "Yeah!".

You and your group are walking to your cars when all of the sudden, said tall (taller than you noticed when he was sitting next to you, hmm...) and lanky (he seemed broader sitting down too...) comes running across the street towards you and your friends. He stops short of the side walk, and everyone starts shouting at him to get out of the street before he gets hit. Idiot.

He runs up and then begs you and your friends for a ride, claiming his ride abandoned him and his phone is dead. Your girlfriend, J, tries to get rid of him, seeing as she's the bolder of you two. "Brian, your ride didn't leave you. And don't hand me your phone for proof, I don't know how to work that thing. Look, there's your ride."

And low and behold, a second guy comes running up. Relieved, you ask if they know each other. They give each other estranged looks. Then Guy #2 says "Yeeaaah...I think I know him. Yeah, yeah, I do! Hey bro!"

Us: "See? See?? He's your ride!"

Guy #2: "No dude, I'm not his ride..."

Us: "Oh....well, you can be now!"

Guy #2: "No dudes. I don't know him..."

You: "But you just said..."

J: "Call a taxi. We have to go, bye!"

At this point, you are kicking yourself very hard for being such an over-zealous moron and giving your number out to someone you don't even know, who is clearly not a grown up.

He then proceeds to throw his hands up, roll his eyes and say "Tuh! You know what, fine. Forget it if you're just going to be like that. I'll just walk. I wish you the best. Bye."

J: "Okay! :)"

What is this, New Years Eve? Who says "I wish you the best" unless you're at a big, turn of the year party, a graduation ceremony or a wedding? This was probably the third or forth time he'd issued out this phrase.

Your group quickly starts to edge away, with you fighting the urge to run, dragging your friend in tow.

You walk til you run into the other part of your group and then pile into J's boyfriend's car. You somehow step on and spill an Arby's cup and feel Pepsi spill into your shoe. Sticky. T and the gang then drives you to your car and walks you the rest of the way to your car just to be safe.

Quote of the night:

You: "HELP ME! There is a creepy 27-year-old toddler after me who won't give up!"

K's boyfriend: "What a---...wait a minute. Don't you always have some creepy guy after you whenever we go out?"

So. Lesson learned. Do NOT give your number out to creepy, childish, 27-year-old frat boys. Even if they work at John Deere. You gold-digger.