Did It Hurt When You Fell from Heaven?

So I decided to Google myself. Much to my relief, not that I have anything to hide, not a lot came up. Some outdated websites and memberships, which I've been working to delete as I don't use them anymore and they are outdated.

One of the more entertaining things I found was my old OkCupid profile, a free dating website that I signed up for when some college friends of mine were doing a social experiment and asked a large group of people to join and take some of the provided surveys. I created the profile and never took it down. Before deleting, I decided to review the profile I'd written and go through some of the old messages and found both hilarious and shocking greetings. I thought I would share them with you.

First, a few excerpts from the profile I wrote (we were asked to fill out honest profiles for the sake of the experiment):

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Why things are why they are, why people do what they do. Artsy stuff. Music. Expression. The meanings behind words. The fire that lights the passion of life in others, what keeps them going everyday. God, and the creation of the world, how everything is so intricately connected. Wondering how it all works. What is my purpose, what am I meant to do. How can I best describe myself through words and music in a way that will reach out and touch others.

Nice! I still think about these things, and was rather impressed with the articulate and intellectual depth of my younger self.

You should message me if

I'm looking for someone who is equally passionate about something, driven, who knows what they want, and are pretty independent. He should have his own goals and dreams and a general plan that he's executing for where he wants to go in life. I like some time and space to myself every now and then, so its great if the man can handle being on his own, and has some friends he spends time with. I want someone who is active and likes to get out and do things, not just sit around. I enjoy a night in, and just relaxing, but there needs to be balance. I love exploring cultures, trying out new things, and traveling so it would be nice if someone was equally as active and could show me a thing or two. I'm apart of a lot of social groups, so someone who can meet people, converse easily and enjoys going out would be ideal. He should be knowledgeable about what's going on in the world and have a good sense of humor. I'm headstrong and a natural born leader, I have a dominate personality and sometimes I can be overpowering. This isn't meant to come across as discriminatory or harsh, I've just been through a lot and know what I want. :) I need someone who can be my equal, who can make decisions and take charge, because believe it or not, strong women want strong men because we get sick of driving. Take the wheel, I'll ask for directions.

Fair enough. A few things have changed but not too much. I won't go into details though.
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Now for the comedy. The emails. Yes. These are real. Every last one of them. And apparently the men (and boys) sending them thought that it was worth a try or that these approach tactics would actually work:


WoW! Its About Time!!! Oct 11 - gottime4u2
(note the name. Definitely a charmer. How considerate of him to vocalize his availability and ability to spread himself among multiple partners):

"I Know Milk Does A Body Good, But How Much Have You Been Drinkin!!!

I Seen Your Pics & My Eyes Popped Outa My Head ! I Hope Ur A Nurse Cuz I Need Your Help Putn'em Back In !! "

Same guy:
Dang I Wish U Were Closer!! Oct 18 - gottime4u2
Cuz You Are Absolutely Gorgeous!! & I'd Make U My Wife!!!

This guy doesn't give up, even when I never sent a single response:

Why Do You Have 2 B So Beautiful??? Oct 29 - gottime4u2

I LIKE!!!

Your So Gorgeous! I Want U !!! Nov 9

Thats In The Good Way!!

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"You look a little bit smarter than an ordinary girl OMG, I cant believe I gave you such a compliment. Should I have given you such a nice compliment though? LOL "

A bit? How generous, I'm not sure I deserve such a "compliment". Thanks, asshole.

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Hey I have messed around on this site a little bit and have just been disappointed by the girls playing games so I am going to just come out and ask you a question. At some point in time would it be possibility for you to have sex with me. Please don't get offended I just feel it necessary to be upfront about my intentions. So think it over and let me know.

Did I list sexual solicitations or prostitution opportunities on my profile for what I'm looking for? No. No, I did not. Not to mention, I don't believe this person had a photo. Why, oh why, would you ever think this was a good idea? And why, pray tell, would you think that an attractive woman would have such low self esteem and respect for herself that she would hand out freebies to strangers who asked on a free dating website?
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hey sexy, wat u up to! i'm bored

So you decided to message me. Way to make a girl feel special. Nice opening. Also, I think Grammar & Spelling 101 is in order.
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you are sooooo fucking beautiful:)

Thank you sooooooooo much! Cute, but no thanks.
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Wow, You seem absolutly perfect, no lie. I'd put a ring on it :P How are you?

Beyonce, anyone? Marriage proposal numero duex.
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I like to play guitar, but I don't know a whole lot. I am going to write you a poem right here and now.

I pop off the cap of a soda
like opening a door into a new part of my life
and I take pleasure in the colors of the outside label
a tasty insight into the suprise inside
I take the first sip
it is more delicious than the label proclaims
so sweet, yet in a subtle, gentle way
I taste the many flavors
and wonder how they can be so natural
so genuine
I open my eyes and realize
all the power held inside
the oppurtunity
for new adventure
even if there is some strife
and then it appears to me
sweet as honey
your presence is evervescent
like the carbonation in my new drink
you are like my soda pop

I finished reading your profile and it is like reading about me. I don't know how spontaneous you are, but I think you and I could hit it off big? would you maybe like to go on a date sometime? You seem to be worth every effort I can give. I hope you like my poem for you.

Cute again. This is probably the most genuine and purest effort of them all.
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Hi. Oct 11

You're cute.

Okay bye.

Short, to the point. No need for reply.

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Hello Oct 18

Hi Cassie, you have a very sweet, curious, yet sexy look about you. Are you interested in older men? If not I understand. Thanks

Normally this would be fine, I have dated a fair share of older men, (this man was in his 70s, which as this was about two years ago, was far and beyond my limit), but it was the messages from him that followed that were less pure in their intent. Describing Lolita situations and fantasies and a desire to pursue them with me if I were interested, stating he was a rich man, able to give a young lady all she could want including trips to Europe, romantic evenings in his chateau and rides on his yacht... that may be reason enough for some, but I require more than elaborate material things and articulate compliments about my Lolita resemblence. Respectfully decline.
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I probably have allready asked you If you are interested in me but I really want to get to know you better. If i seem creepy im not, dont believe evrything people say about me. Anyway, I really, really, really want to hear from you soon. (gives me his email) You have the best picture here and you are the best looking woman Ive seen. - needy_gabe

I don't know you, what are people saying about you and how would I know about it? Are you in the papers or on the news? A registered sex offender? Also, he may want to consider a name change...I don't think "needy_gabe" is the image you want to project about yourself if you are hoping for success. Online dating is a challenging weed garden as is.

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hola , como se' Poopi tre' El burro! Bibliotecha En Rojo, Siempre Ben Rogers
Ur Purrrtyy

Um...what? Google translate gave me "hello, as 'Poopi between' The donkey! Bibliotecha In Red, Always Ben Rogers". I can't say that sounds very appealing. Are you trying to say I'm "purrrtyy" as donkey shit?
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Hi Apr 21

I must admit I've always had a thing for red heads, but you'd be beautiful if you had no hair at all.

Well, if I ever get skin cancer and my hair all falls out, I guess I won't need to worry! :) What a relief. Still, an original pick up line, and one that made me laugh.
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hello Jan 30

come here often

Not a bar, dude.
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hmm Jan 20, 2010 – 5:06pm

uh oh... cute red head :X lol

Ha...no.
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yummie Jan 2, 2010 – 6:39am

you are one fine looking woman!!

Best In Show. "That's one fine lookin' animal!"
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Do you Fancy fine german dinner ware? I don't Nov 26

I'm an X heroin addict. Wanna pretend like we could be friends?

No words.
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hi Nov 3

Are you seeing someone? Reeeallly? :P

If I were really using this site to meet people my answer would have been something like "No, I'm not. I just put that because I thought it might attract the better guys...not."
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You seem to be different then most of the girls I have talked to. Are you really that different?

You tell me.
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Your eyes are kinda likable

You have already said whats your name, any nickname?

Kinda likeable. How kinda kind of you. And if I had a nickname, which I don't, I wouldn't give it to this guy.
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hi how are you? omg you are so beautiful!!!
your very very beautiful!!! lol
please write me back! i have red your profile its very interesting, i wish there was a little more about you though. i hope that we can talk, so please write back. thank you. i know this was short i didnt know what else to say i was shocked by how pretty you are. im sorry, i am very interested, and i also really like your profile, your so pretty!! lol and also im a drummer so im very very active. im also will willing to meet you also lol :) please write me back i have pics also, the reason why i dont put a pic up, because you never know lol:)

This translates as a hyper young dog eager and "very interested" to hump any female in sight that is remotely attractive and stands still long enough. Overkill.
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hey you are gorgeous. we def need to talk and hang out

Translate: I definitely want to have sex with you and not talk at all.
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hey i just saw your profile and my jaw hit the floor. you have got to be one of the most beutiful redheads ive ever seen. and i see that you have a boyfriend but i couldent help but say somthing, you are that amazing. i apologize for comming off so forward but u are the first woman on here how has genuinly "caught my eye" so get back to me if you would like to chat some time

Do you always hit on women with boyfriends just because they "catch your eye"? Classy.
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You win gold for worlds longest profile! I love it! Marry Me :)

Marriage proposal numero trois.
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you truly are gorgeous, would you be interested in a physical relationship?

Seriously?