Purpose

Hello world.

Sorry that its taken me such a long time to get back to you with an update. Life has been kind of insane.

Do you ever feel like you just can't catch up? Like you're always one step behind, no matter what you do? That you just can't seem to stop stumbling and muffing everything up? That you can see the problems and solutions to everyone elses' lives but your own? And you actually get mad when other people complain, because their problem has such an easy solution compared to yours, and if they just listened to you, things would be all better? But you can't fix your life or your problems at all? That's how I've kind of been feeling. I feel like my life is falling to pieces around me and moving on without me at the same time and I'm just left here, stuck in place, watching it happen. I feel as though I have no control. Because I don't. I can't control anything or anyone in my life except myself. And I don't even know what to do with myself. I feel like I can't even control me. I'm a control freak, I make plans and lists, and to have no control, to have nothing go according to plan, is terrifying.

Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. I don't think I'm crazy. But I do have conversations with myself in which I tell myself I'm being irrational and crazy, and then the other me arguing the opposite side. It usually goes like something like this: I'm sitting on my bed, holding my phone, debating whether or not this is a good idea or if I'm just over analyzing and being silly.

Dark and Twisty me: You are being stupid. It serves you right that things are the way they are. I don't get why you're over analyzing when its so clear what's going on. You are so stupid. You're so not worth the time. You're a silly, cliche, mushy-gushy romantic who wants her happy endings. And there are no happy endings for you.

Would-be happy, wistful, romantic, creative me: No, I'm not. I deserve answers, I deserve more than this. I deserve to be happy. Doesn't everybody?

Dark and twisty: Why do you think you deserve to be happy? You're back where you were 5 years ago, only different because you knew better this time. But you did it anyway. And you're back here all on your own. So you deserve to have the lemons of life squirted in your eye. You don't get lemonade.

Wistful and Romantic: But shouldn't there be some sort of balance? Why do I always have to be alone? Why do I always have to be the one that is left behind? Maybe its my own fault that I'm that way. Maybe I need to just make a first move to change the way things are instead of just letting them be the way they are. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I just need to stick up for my right to be happy and in love. Maybe if I am just myself, maybe if I am there, that they will remember why they loved me in the first place.

Dark and Twisty: Sure, go ahead. You're just going to get your heart broken like you always do and I'll be here telling you "I told you so". Because I did. You are going to be alone. Just face it. You're not relationship material. You're damaged and broken and no one can fix you, who would want to take that on? You're going to be an old maid with your 30 cats. Embrace it already and stop wasting time.

Happy and Romantic: But...but. I'm in love. I have so much love to give. That has to count for something. I may be broken, but isn't everybody? At least a little bit? And I'm not looking for someone to fix me. But maybe I could help someone else, and by helping and loving them, I could be fixed. I just want to help and love and be loved in return. Is that too much to ask? I don't want to get my heart broken, but its already breaking. I have to hold on to some little light of hope somehow that maybe love will be mine again, because if I don't, what do I have? I don't want to be back here again. I'm angry with myself that I am. Do you have to keep rubbing my mistakes in my face? You're just a coward. You're afraid that if I'm happy that you'll disappear because you won't have unhappiness or insecurities to feed off of anymore.

Dark and Twisty: Do what you want. See where it takes you. I don't need you to survive. I'll always be in the back of your mind. Waiting. You think you can get rid of me. You can't. Not with love, not with God, not with anything. You're stuck with me. I'm giving you tough love. You suck.

And that's how it goes. I feel insane. I literally end up yelling out loud at myself into a pillow. I miss living in the country where I could just go outside, run and run until I was well down the black road behind our house and in the high grass next to the drainage ditch's little brook. I would just scream at the top of my lungs and then lie there in the grass and watching the clouds go by and just letting my soul run wild in the sky until I was exhausted. Then I would walk back with scratches on my bare legs from the grass but feeling oddly better.

I'm convinced that if my life were a sitcom that I could make more money than Jersey Shore, even without that one chick what's-her-face-Snookie stripping every 5 minutes.

I love my life and hate my life. I love my life for what its presented me with, for who is in it, for all the things I'm good at, for music, for art, for the sun, for simple pleasures, but hating it for it all being out of my reach, for feeling stunted and having creativity blocks and just being forced to wait it out and hope that the storm will pass and I won't be crushed against the rocks between the waves of heartache, loneliness and depression.

But some days I'm convinced its all a mindset. Because some days I can be happy. Some days I'm happy enough to just be with the people I love, and that's enough even if the person I love the most isn't mine. Because in the end, its not about me. I would rather be unhappy and see the people I love happy and content with life. And that's where I'm impressed with myself. How despite what I go through, despite how some nights I wish for nothing more than to never wake up from the dreams that I wish were my reality, to never have to return to my life where all I wish in my reality is to be numb if I can't feel anything but pain and my heart literally aches. But somehow I wake up in the morning. Somehow I get through the day. Even if that means an occasional day I spend in bed catching up on Grey's Anatomy, listening to music that makes me cry, and facebook stalking my friends.

I may be crazy. But somehow I'm still alive. Whether you believe in God or not, I will give Him some credit here. I don't talk to God like everyone else does. I don't always capitalize references to his entity such as Him, His, He, because I figure God knows I respect him and that its kind of inconvenient to have to keep hitting the shift button. God knows how I feel about him. He knows how I love him. I talk to God as if He were right in front of me. I don't necessarily set aside time to talk to Him. I just say random sentences or have short conversations or long ones whenever I please. I've cursed Him out on numerous occasions. Most times I apologize later, but sometimes I don't. Either because I forget or I just don't want to. I feel that keeping those feelings inside and not sharing them with God, even if they are negative, that that's worse because I'm lying about how I'm really feeling. I'm not going to thank God for trials and tribulation when I'm not thankful for them. I figure that God can take it. He's God. And nobody ever said that was an easy job. I'm positive that He's used to having people unhappy with him. Some people would call me arrogant and foolish. But I say that God and I are kindred spirits. He knows me so I don't feel like I always have to fill him in or explain myself to him because he already knows. If I want to, then I will, but I figure that its kind of dumbing God down if he's supposed to be all knowing and I'm wasting his time with little details that I left out since the last time I talked to him. But I give Him credit, because even though I've cursed God out and have been like "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!?!", He will send me things like a random day where its 60 degrees out and sunny in the middle of January, so that I can spend the day outside instead of under my covers. Yes. I believe God made that day for me. I'm that full of myself. He knows that sunny days with a light warm breeze can fix everything for me for a little while. So thanks God. Thank you for knowing me. For loving me even though I'm one of the hardest people to love.

And God, your plan better be freaking awesome, because I'm going to be pissed if my life is just a huge cluster of crap and heartache. Because I deserve an awesome life. I feel awesome, I feel like I have the potential to be amazing and do amazing things. I don't feel that I am meant to live a simple life. I feel like you have given me my talents and ambitions, not so that they can sit inside me as I sit in an Iowa cornfield, but so that they can explode out of me and paint the world a multitude of colors. And so I can push through this heartache, I won't come out whole, but I'll push through it if you would just give me what I need in the end. A purpose.

~Cassie