God is so good! He heals the brokenhearted, He sets the sinner free, He makes the lame to walk, and the blind to see. For Him there are no lost causes.
Today is a good day. Understatement of the year. But today I was witness to my brother and father making a conscious effort to communicate and succeeding. That is a huge leap in the right direction. It was such a blessing to me, and I was so blessed to be apart of that moment. I can only hope that God will continue to nurture their father-son relationship into one that is glorifying to Him and that He will continue to use me to reach out and extend His love to my family in my role as an older sister and a daughter.
I love my family so much. I am so blessed to have parents who are so on fire for Christ, who love each other, working at their marriage everyday, and who love us, their children unconditionally, showing us God's love through them. They are such an example to me of what I should be. They have their flaws and are readily able to confess to them. But their flaws partnered with their humbleness are part of what make me respect and love them so much.
I am blessed with a wonderful older sister and brother-in-law who I know have got my back and support me everyday, even though I don't get to see them as often as I would like. Their personalities, humor and love for each other are lighthouses for me.
My brother, so kind, generous, smart and willing to sacrifice himself to help others is so encouraging to me, and a reminder that I could learn to be more selfless.
I can only hope to be such a nurturer and light to my sister, brother and parents.
God can leave me speechless. I can only say that I am blessed, to say the least. I pray that He will continue to bring us closer together, using each of us and our own unique gifts to bond our family into a tight-knit union, all on fire for Him, and serving Him each day.
Once again I rejoice:
God is so good! He heals the brokenhearted, He sets the sinner free, He makes the lame to walk, and the blind to see. For Him, there are no lost causes.
I've decided for Halloween that I'm going to be Holly Golightly. Holly has been my alias for a number of things, writing, music, etc. I've debated between being Ms. Golightly or Ms. Roseveare as my last name, but decided to follow the footsteps of my most beloved literary inspiration, Holly Golightly.
I've debated between this dress and the classic full length black dress Holly wears on her visit to Tiffany's.
I'd also considered being a Zombie. Maybe I'll be zombie Holly Golightly. I don't know. Or save it for next year. Or just throw a Zombie party. :P
Semi-good news: I'm turning 22 today. Good because God has blessed me with another year full of friends and family and blessings. Bad, because I'm getting older and I still haven't done even half of the things I want to do yet.
Very bad news: Oliver, my sweet babycakes kitty has fleas for the first time in the 14 years of his life. Found one on my sweater after hugging him when I got home from work last night. I thought it was a gnat and tried to squish it. It didn't squish. Instead it jumped and landed in my bathroom sink where I really really squished it with my thumb ("Eeeeek! Die, die!"), after which I examined it on my thumb.
Freaked.
I grabbed Oliver and put him in a headlock and searched his fur. I found one on his head and rushed him outside again, not bothering to look for more, holding him at arms length like a time bomb. I woke my mom up and had her check my hair and my bed. All clear. Thank the Lord I went with pastel blue sheets and a white comforter instead of dark purple. We researched fleas and cures a little on our laptops, apparently the cycle and treatment of fleas is a lot like that of head lice. Ew.
I set Oliver up in the garage with his litter box, luring him in with some canned cat food as a sort of apology for throwing him back outside after it'd been raining all day. My baby is sleeping on an old pillow. :( I miss him curled up above my head.
I fell asleep praying/begging God to pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease let this be an easy fix and not an infestation. I have a phobia of bugs in my house and my things and on me. The first year we had earwigs, my mother woke up to find me going bat crazy in our kitchen, spraying Ortho Home Defense Max everywhere. Puddles of Otho with writhing earwigs in the center dotted the floor like a mine field. I was uncontrollable, irrational, and sleep deprived.
So. Hopefully he just got them last night. I didn't search long but in my opinion 2 fleas = 4 or more in this case. Any prayers are appreciated.
I have to go as the Vet clinic just opened and I'm going to hog their phone line.
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. ~ Romans 12:2
Transformation was the topic of last Thursday night's Basic bible study in Lang Hall on the UNI campus.
First off, let me just say that I have been putting Basic off for a while. Mainly because I prefer smaller groups of study, where you can converse, discuss and bond. I wrote of Basic because the one time I went before, I didn't enjoy it. I don't know why, maybe it was the dark lighting (but I'm in dark lighting all the time whenever I go out with friends), or maybe it was that it was too much like a Sunday Morning service. Whatever the excuse, I didn't return for over a year. My friends had all been encouraging me to try it again, and inviting me. But I always found some reason not to: I was sick, or too tired, or had a migraine, or had too much to get done, or had too early of a morning.
This Thursday didn't start out much different. I got up at 5am, went to work 6am-2pm, ran some errands and came home around 4pm to collapse into my bed for a long nap. Grumpy, I said I didn't feel like going anywhere when my mom asked if I was going to go to Basic tonight. "No one will appreciate my presence when I'm so crabby." I said. She told me to take a nap, and see how I felt later, because I always regretted not going the next day.
I woke up feeling a lot better and headed over to Lampost to have dinner with some girls who had invited me earlier that week. We had delicious food, and a lot of laughs. Afterward, Chelsea, Sarah and I walked down to Lang hall. It was a beautiful evening, I breathed in the cool air, and was feeling refreshed and happy in the company of my friends.
We met more friends at Basic and sat with them. The worship music started (my favorite part), and I knew the first two songs, but not so much the ones after them. I'm always a little annoyed when I don't know the music, because musical worship is my favorite and when I don't know the material, I feel as though I can't participate.
The teaching started, but was opened up with a video a student had made of other students explaining what they thought Transformation meant. It was then followed with this video:
*****Watch on Youtube in full screen view for the ultimate effect. When I embedded the video on my post, it shrunk the screen and cuts out some of the picture******
This video grabbed my attention. My attitude had been pretty negative and selfish up until this point. I think this is what God used to really grab a hold of me and say "Hey! This isn't about you. This is about Me. Pay attention, you might learn something if you stop thinking and start listening."
So I listened. I hadn't considered that maybe, despite my previous crabbiness, God might appreciate my presence of body and mind. After the video ended, our speaker took the stage and brought up a sentence that said "Being transformed is conforming to the image of God for the sake of others."
I thought about this. I always said I didn't care what others thought about me. Which is great if you're using that to back up your shouting God's name from the mountains. But it doesn't apply if you keep God inside your heart and mind only, as a private thing, because you don't want to deal with the controversy it might produce. Conforming to God's image for the sake of others. Did that mean that I was supposed to let God shine through me so others could see? Wasn't I already doing that? Maybe not as brightly as some, but I definitely was not hiding my light under a bushel. Or was I?
After that, Romans 12:2 dominated the screen: "Be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
I think up until this point, I was in the foolish mindset that I was already transformed. Already on fire for God. Boy, did He show me.
Following that verse was this concept: Jesus is completely desirable and reliable.
The speaker asked us to think about how this verse made us feel. Did we agree with it wholeheartedly, with feelings and thoughts along the lines of "God is so good, He provides" or "God has let me down. I feel I can't trust Him sometimes."
I found that I fell under the latter. Being a list maker, and a control freak (just a little. :P), I knew that there were many days where I would wave God away saying "Don't worry about it, God, I've got this. I've got it all planned out." Silly me. My plans always fell through, and when they did, I got angry with God for not helping me out. If only I had asked for His guidance and surrendered all to Him in the first place, the outcome would surely have been worth while and honoring to His name.
Following that was Philippians 1:6: "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Indeed He will. Despite my continued struggle against God, He hadn't given up on me. He was working on me, and tonight, He was taking me by storm.
The worship leader took the stage and shared a very personal story about how he had always had the great image: A worship leader, a youth group teacher, always involved, parents wanting their younger children to hang out with him and be more like him. But underneath he had a secret: He was utterly and completely addicted to pornography. Yet, rather than give this up to God, he tried to cover it up with a good image, good deeds and good words to try and weigh out his imperfections. One day, God spoke to him through scripture saying "You aren't perfect. You can't just use me to get into Heaven and then think that I'm done with you, that I'm not going to help you out from here, and you have to go it alone. Though saved by God, you are still a sinner. Your works are still selfish and filthy. Without me, they are nothing. You can't make your own plan and expect it to carry out when I'm not involved. I have a great and wonderful plan for you. You are not alone in this."
This hit me hard. This guy was exactly like me in the sense that he was trying to be a "good Christian" by heaping up the good deeds, through works alone to achieve the image of God. Making lists, and plans, without consulting God in prayer, asking for His help and guidance, or reading His word. I was still a sinner, though saved by God, but a sinner, filthy and dirty and alone without Him.
If this wasn't enough to get my attention and get my emotions flowing, we followed up with more worship songs. Music is my favorite form of expression and worship, and the lyrics of the songs and their meaning, and how they applied to me sent me over the edge. I felt the fire light within my soul again. My rising soul caused me to rise to my feet with others, and I felt my hands reach upwards towards God as I sang the words:
"Forever Reign"
(Verse 1)
You are good
You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love
You are love
On display for all to see
You are light
You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope
You are hope
You have covered all my sin
(Verse 2)
You are peace
You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true
You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy
You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life
You are life
In You death has lost its sting
(Chorus)
Oh I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign
(Verse 3)
You are more
You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord
You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here
You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God
You are God
Of all else I'm letting go
(Bridge)
My heart will sing
No other name
Jesus Jesus
I hadn't felt this on fire since years back when I fell to my knees in the auditorium of TeenPact Nationals after a moving sermon almost 3 years ago, maybe longer. My soul was lifted, my arms lifted, I felt as though I was flying. And I could feel God holding me as the tears ran down my cheeks as I, the prodigal son ran to His arms.
I'd been so terrified. My life was already going through so many transformations. Becoming single, going to school, dropping out of school to do music, losing friends and gaining new ones, family transitions, both good and bad. I was already trying to clean my life out of all the bad influences, and fill it with good people, influences and practices. I was trying to start fresh, but it all felt so fake. But I was trying to do it all alone, following my own plan, and lists, and ideas. But somehow, I still felt so alone, and tired. Frustrated and alienated by God. Only it was I who had left God behind.
I was terrified of giving it all up to God and what He might ask me to do. To say. And that I would be persecuted. But now, I felt at peace, my fears chased away by the simple reminder that God is good, so good. He will take are of me, He will not leave me alone to fend for myself, He will always carry me when it becomes too much for me to stand. He will lead my way, not send me into the maze alone.
This song is my new anthem for my heart's transformation that night. When I already thought I was transformed, I realized that I am still a transformer. I want to know God's plan for me, rather than make my own. I want to rely on God alone, knowing His plan will succeed and He will always prevail, where I would normally fail.
Jesus. I give it up to you. I am running to your arms, the riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace, Light of the World forever reign in my life. Show me the way, what to say, guide me in the plan You have for me. My heart will sing no other name. Catch me when I'm falling, help me to stand, and carry me when I can't. You are so good. Transform me into the woman You've made me to be. Help me to always be a transformer, to always be searching for Your truth, to fully trust You and to always be open to the changes You have for me in this life. Keep this fire lit in me, please feed it. Never let it be put out.
****Originally Written September 18th about September 15th. I just never got around to posting it on here****
Between working two jobs, working out, socializing and sleeping in my space time when I'm not working, my nails have suffered. Chipped, with a band of grown-out color on the tips, I die a little each time I look at them. Yet I refuse to go without polish. Why? Because, like an idiot, I refuse to wear a base coat, thus allowing the color I wear to stain my nails an ugly shade of reddish yellow. Though I have found if I paint them their complementary color (color opposite of them on the color wheel to those of you who aren't artists), it cancels out most of the stain. I've also filed them before, but this just makes them stain darker when I repaint and leaves them scratched.
Anyway. Who knew you could write a whole paragraph on the effects of nail polish alone? The point: Do NOT repaint your nails while sitting withing 5 feet of your laptop on the same level. If you absolutely cannot get by without a little background noise of Pandora (like myself), sit on the bathroom floor with your laptop perched on the sink. Otherwise, like me, you will probably make the mistake of accidentally nudging your removing with your elbow and watching as it tips in slow motion, spilling over your keyboard.
Note. I did this not once, but twice. I do not learn from my mistakes...uhg.
The first time, I was remarkably lucky. After spilling half a bottle of acetone nail polish remover on the keyboard and screen of my laptop ("Eek!!"), clawing off the casing and removing the hardrive, and then spending a half hour blasting it with my hair dryer ("Oh, please God, pleasepleaseplease..."), it survived and even the screen was okay. What a trooper, my Alice! :)
The second time...not so lucky. Remembering my first mistake, I placed my remover a supposedly safe distance of 1 1/2 feet away from my laptop. Silly me. I spilled it just as I was polishing off my second coat. Down it went, safely away from spilling completely onto the keyboard, but I hadn't taken splatter-distance into consideration. Blotting it with tissues, I hoped for the best. After a half hour, the keys selectively stopped working. The most important ones of course. Caps lock, c (copy), v (paste), r, s, t, n and a (the top 5 letters you first guess when playing Hangman) and the Ctrl key. Awesome.
After copy and pasting the missing letters into a Facebook status that took me ten minutes to write, I called my dad and asked him to accompany me to the iTech store in town. In case you've never been there, its a Jekyll and Hyde experience. There is one very nice and accommodating guy, and one very rude and aggravating one. I took my dad with me as a manly kind of incentive to give me what I wanted (hehe).
I'd been told the casing was on recall. It had several cracks and I found online that I was not the only one experiencing this, and many had gotten their cases replaced for free. Since the casing was attached to the keyboard, many got a free keyboard as well. Yay! So we went in, explained the issues with the casing, tactfully leaving out the detail about how the keyboard didn't work. Sneaky, I know. :P No problem, they'd replace it and have it back to me after the weekend. Huzzah!
We celebrated by walking down Main St. (gorgeous day) and I treated my father to Scratch Bakery's ah-mazing cupcakes, gelato and freshly squeezed lemonade. Heaven. A perfect spot of sunshine to the afternoon. :) If you've never been to Scratch Bakery and had their cupcakes. Go. But I warn you, they will ruin commoner cupcakes for the rest of your life. Also, they are the only place I know of in the Cedar Valley that sells Gelato: Italian Ice Cream. Less fat, less air, creamy heaven in a cup or smoothie, and sorbetto flavors provided as well! If any of you have read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, you'll remember how she raved about it for about 5 pages.
See other photos and read an article about Scratch Bakery at The Connection.
In other news, I came home from work one night to be informed by my parents that Oliver, my cat (aka my baby, babycakes, cutie wootie, Cat, my pride & joy, etc) was in a fight earlier that night. Apparently, while enjoying the night air on our porch, Oliver was jumped by a stray black and white tom cat. Not being much of a fighter, I'm guessing he didn't have much choice in putting his paws up. Mom said she and dad were enjoying a leisurly night of reading when they heard the cat screams and ran to the door to find Oliver rolling around on the sidewalk with this cat who was about 2 sizes bigger than him. Mom ran to get a flashlight and dad started throwing his shoes at the other cat from a safe distance, as he was wearing no shoes himself and donned in only his pajamas. :P Oliver was pretty quiet afterwards, and I was filled with pride by my parents' courageous attempts to save our cat, despite the common complaints of cat hair and a smelly litter box.
Lastly, dispite the fight I've put up to avoid sickies like the plague, keeping them at a 5 foot radius space bubble, I'm sick. No idea how I caught it. Probably from touching something and then my face. Gross. Its a mild cold, but still disabling and leaves me feeling foggy and weak most of the day. Reminds me of this new movie coming out soon that I want to see oh so bad!
Finally off to sleep, I can feel the meds kicking in. :) Goodnight blogging world.
When going out to a bar with a group of friends for a friend's birthday party follow these rules:
1. Stay with your group. Do not wonder off alone, allowing yourself to be a sitting duck.
2. Don't drink more than 1 or 2 drinks, thus keeping your better judgment intact.
3. Do NOT give out your number. To anyone. Don't make this your night to "woman up" and make the first move. Leave it for the guys. Its better that way and will save you a lot of grief.
Reasons that I suggest these rules? I experienced all of the above in one night.
Tonight was my friend's 21st birthday party. We went out to a local bar, and I bought her a shot (Dirty Girl Scout shots taste just like thin mints, fyi, making them the best shot ever). For those of you who don't drink alcohol, and its fine if you don't, or have strong feelings against it, ignore that statement above. We drank fruit punch Kool-aid at Chuck-E-Cheese.
Anyway. Let me remind you that we live in Iowa. And meeting a decent guy out and about at a bar is 10-1 impossible. Yet, for some reason that is unbeknown to me, hope springs eternal when your social life is as limited as mine being a flustered jam-packed workaholic.
Thus, just because a pretty good looking guy comes up and introduces himself, buys you a drink and strikes up some conversation that seems promising, let me remind you that you have only met him maybe 10 minutes before and your best friend is staring at you with a look that says "What the heck are you doing" and nudging you towards the door, or pretending to be your jealous girlfriend.
So you leave, but against your better judgment you hand this guy your number on a janky piece of receipt paper the waitress gave you. This is not the first of your mistakes for the past 15 minutes.
You ride the elevator, quite pleased with yourself for making the first move for the first time. You pat yourself on the back for being a fearless superwoman, "Yeah!".
You and your group are walking to your cars when all of the sudden, said tall (taller than you noticed when he was sitting next to you, hmm...) and lanky (he seemed broader sitting down too...) comes running across the street towards you and your friends. He stops short of the side walk, and everyone starts shouting at him to get out of the street before he gets hit. Idiot.
He runs up and then begs you and your friends for a ride, claiming his ride abandoned him and his phone is dead. Jenna tries to get rid of him, seeing as she's the bolder of you two. "Brian, your ride didn't leave you. And don't hand me your phone for proof, I don't know how to work that thing. Look, there's your ride."
And low and behold, a second guy comes running up. Relieved, you ask if they know each other. They give each other estranged looks. Then Guy #2 says "Yeeaaah...I think I know him. Yeah, yeah, I do! Hey bro!"
Us: "See? See?? He's your ride!"
Guy #2: "No dude, I'm not his ride..."
Us: "Oh....well, you can be now!"
Guy #2: "No dudes. I don't know him..."
You: "But you just said..."
Jenna: "Call a taxi. We have to go, bye!"
At this point, you are kicking yourself very hard for being such an over-zealous moron and giving your number out to someone you don't even know, who is clearly not a grown up.
He then proceeds to throw his hands up, roll his eyes and say "Tuh! You know what, fine. Forget it if you're just going to be like that. I'll just walk. I wish you the best. Bye."
J: "Okay! :)"
What is this, New Years Eve? Who says "I wish you the best" unless you're at a big, turn of the year party or a wedding? This was probably the third or forth time he'd issued out this phrase.
Your group quickly starts to edge away, with you fighting the urge to run, dragging your friend in tow.
You walk til you run into the other part of your group and then pile into Tanner's car. You somehow step on and spill an Arby's cup and feel Pepsi spill into your shoe. Sticky. Tanner and the gang then drives you to your car and walks you the rest of the way to your car just to be safe.
Quote of the night:
You: "HELP ME! There is a creepy 27-year-old toddler after me who won't give up!"
K's boyfriend: "What a---...wait a minute. Don't you always have some creepy guy after you whenever we go out?"
So. Lesson learned. Do NOT give your number out to creepy, childish, 27-year-old frat boys. Even if they work at John Deere. You gold-digger.
So, its been ages since I last posted anything. I used to be so diligent at blogging! Before Facebook existed I was on here all the time, typing away, sharing every little semi-important/interesting/laughable snippet of my life! Ah well, just have to get back into the groove I suppose. :)
Anyway, a lot has happened since I last posted in...er...March.
Its August, and rather than what would be categorized as "Spring Cleaning", I've started doing it now. But let's start with my New Beginnings I had back at the beginning of Summer:
1. Signing a lease for my townhouse apartment with two friends and one in our basement.
2. Getting a second job at Kwikstar
3. Starting a band
4. Enrolling in the Cosmetology program at La James
They were huge changes, and I made them to make myself so busy that I wouldn't have time to be heartbroken. I wanted to be so busy doing new things and filling my head with knowledge that I wouldn't have time to reflect or dream about lost memories but instead have my world go black as soon as my head hit the pillow at night.
Maybe I was trying to prove something. I'm convinced I was. Both to myself and everyone who was watching me fall apart. I was trying to prove I was resilient, intrepid, independent and didn't need anyone but myself. God kinda pinched me on that one. And although I managed to keep going, waking up every morning and functioning through the day as a half-alive zombie/human hybrid, I was dying inside. And I think most people saw right through my facade.
Finally, I threw my hands up and just let it out. All the frustration, heartbreak, tears, everything. Being a really self-absorbed independent person (=P), and I'm sure those of you who share my control complex will understand, its was really hard to admit that I needed help and didn't know what I wanted, who I was, or what I was doing. It was a time of hurt and heartbreak, falling to my knees, realizing Who was really in control, discovering who I could trust and who my real friends were, and discovering just how weak and strong I was and am. I knew my Pheonix phase wasn't over. I was dying, and once dead to myself, I needed to be reborn.
Rather than go into details that wouldn't do much but express the negativity I felt 24/7, I'll give you a brief view through the windows of my life by sharing my Fall Cleaning list.
1. I dropped out of school. I finished the first term of Cosmetology and can successfully cut hair now, so if anyone wants a free haircut let me know! ;)
2. I officially started really searching for a Church home. Right now I've been attending Cedar Heights with my sister and her husband, and my parents. I really like the feel of it so far, so we'll see where it goes. :) If any of you have suggestions I'd be very happy to hear them!
3. I've actively started searching for a bible study consisting of my own peers.
4. Nursing broken or dormant friendships and cultivating new ones.
5. Really dedicating time to my band, and signing up for voice lessons. Super excited!! :)
6. Cutting out those parts of my life that had been contributing negative energy only. This involved a lot of friendships, and has been a lot more difficult and painful than I ever thought it would be. I've never felt more alone.
7. Actively listening and trying to pursue God's plan for me, and the direction He wants me to go, that will hopefully involve my dreams and passions of being a musician and traveling the world, which I've been pursuing lately.
8. Learning to be fully independent on my own, and content being single.
9. Looking for a new apartment.
I've been working a lot and trying to save money. Once I do, I really want to get my CD recorded, and album photos taken and start performing shows. Maybe before that I'll travel a bit first, or during, or after. I'm not sure yet. But I know I want to visit all of the states in the U.S. and go to Europe with no plans except for visiting Ireland first and Germany to visit friends. :)
That is the brief update of my life. I hope you all are doing well, and will do me the favor of lifting me up in prayer. Please share any thoughts or insight you might have about my post! Thanks. :)
How do we measure time? We measure it in seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries...in age.
Why in age though? Why are people so close minded in the idea that age testifies to when you will be mature, when you should know what you want to do with your life, when you should be married, when you're too young to know what love really is?
Seriously, at what age are we old enough to know what love really is? At what age will the world take us seriously?
I hate when I talk to someone and tell them that I have met and lost the love of my life, and it will forever change me. That I will never find someone like him again, and that I will most likely end up alone because I refuse to settle for comfort and company as opposed to real love.
Honestly, I have come to terms and accepted that love is just not in the cards for me. I still believe in it with my entire being, no doubt. But I have accepted the part of playing the mermaid who kills herself because her prince meets, falls in love with and marries another woman.
People always go "Awww! No, how could you possibly say that? That's horrible."
No. Its true and tragically beautiful. I find beauty in the breakdown. And honestly, I know my limits. I know that my love is so strong, when give my heart to someone, it is given. I don't want it back, even if I could take it back. And I know that I can only take so much heartache. I don't want to love again because its just too hard to open up and be vulnerable. Especially when it isn't going to work out for me. Its not a matter of being depressed, though that's certainly part of the process. Its just a matter of knowing who I am, what I'm capable of, and knowing the basic outline of my life.
Honestly, I can't see myself growing to be old and wrinkly with a full head of white hair. I believe that I will die at a young age. Probably 50's or younger. Which is why I'm so eager to live life to the fullest right now and do as much as I can to help people and make a change in the world for the better.
But I hate when people say that just because I'm ONLY 21, I can't possibly know what love really is, and I can't possibly have met the love of my life and never love one person that much again. I hate when people pretend to know where I'm coming from or pretend to get it. Because although you may be able to relate in your own way, you don't get it. Because you are not in this situation. You are not the one experiencing what I am experiencing. Every scenario is different. So you can't possibly get what I'm going through and give valid advice that you "know" will work, just because it worked for you or someone else. Its a completely different ball game and there is no guarantee that the plays or outcome will be exactly the same.
Don't disregard my past, present and future because of my age. You may think I'm naive, but I know that what I've experienced has been real, and true, and will effect who I am and who I will be forever. You may say "You're so young, you've barely lived. The things you are saying are foolish. You're too young to understand your life and make such judgments about your future."
But I have lived, and my soul is older and wiser. Age is simply a measure of passing time.
Sorry that its taken me such a long time to get back to you with an update. Life has been kind of insane.
Do you ever feel like you just can't catch up? Like you're always one step behind, no matter what you do? That you just can't seem to stop stumbling and muffing everything up? That you can see the problems and solutions to everyone elses' lives but your own? And you actually get mad when other people complain, because their problem has such an easy solution compared to yours, and if they just listened to you, things would be all better? But you can't fix your life or your problems at all? That's how I've kind of been feeling. I feel like my life is falling to pieces around me and moving on without me at the same time and I'm just left here, stuck in place, watching it happen. I feel as though I have no control. Because I don't. I can't control anything or anyone in my life except myself. And I don't even know what to do with myself. I feel like I can't even control me. I'm a control freak, I make plans and lists, and to have no control, to have nothing go according to plan, is terrifying.
Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. I don't think I'm crazy. But I do have conversations with myself in which I tell myself I'm being irrational and crazy, and then the other me arguing the opposite side. It usually goes like something like this: I'm sitting on my bed, holding my phone, debating whether or not this is a good idea or if I'm just over analyzing and being silly.
Dark and Twisty me: You are being stupid. It serves you right that things are the way they are. I don't get why you're over analyzing when its so clear what's going on. You are so stupid. You're so not worth the time. You're a silly, cliche, mushy-gushy romantic who wants her happy endings. And there are no happy endings for you.
Would-be happy, wistful, romantic, creative me: No, I'm not. I deserve answers, I deserve more than this. I deserve to be happy. Doesn't everybody?
Dark and twisty: Why do you think you deserve to be happy? You're back where you were 5 years ago, only different because you knew better this time. But you did it anyway. And you're back here all on your own. So you deserve to have the lemons of life squirted in your eye. You don't get lemonade.
Wistful and Romantic: But shouldn't there be some sort of balance? Why do I always have to be alone? Why do I always have to be the one that is left behind? Maybe its my own fault that I'm that way. Maybe I need to just make a first move to change the way things are instead of just letting them be the way they are. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I just need to stick up for my right to be happy and in love. Maybe if I am just myself, maybe if I am there, that they will remember why they loved me in the first place.
Dark and Twisty: Sure, go ahead. You're just going to get your heart broken like you always do and I'll be here telling you "I told you so". Because I did. You are going to be alone. Just face it. You're not relationship material. You're damaged and broken and no one can fix you, who would want to take that on? You're going to be an old maid with your 30 cats. Embrace it already and stop wasting time.
Happy and Romantic: But...but. I'm in love. I have so much love to give. That has to count for something. I may be broken, but isn't everybody? At least a little bit? And I'm not looking for someone to fix me. But maybe I could help someone else, and by helping and loving them, I could be fixed. I just want to help and love and be loved in return. Is that too much to ask? I don't want to get my heart broken, but its already breaking. I have to hold on to some little light of hope somehow that maybe love will be mine again, because if I don't, what do I have? I don't want to be back here again. I'm angry with myself that I am. Do you have to keep rubbing my mistakes in my face? You're just a coward. You're afraid that if I'm happy that you'll disappear because you won't have unhappiness or insecurities to feed off of anymore.
Dark and Twisty: Do what you want. See where it takes you. I don't need you to survive. I'll always be in the back of your mind. Waiting. You think you can get rid of me. You can't. Not with love, not with God, not with anything. You're stuck with me. I'm giving you tough love. You suck.
And that's how it goes. I feel insane. I literally end up yelling out loud at myself into a pillow. I miss living in the country where I could just go outside, run and run until I was well down the black road behind our house and in the high grass next to the drainage ditch's little brook. I would just scream at the top of my lungs and then lie there in the grass and watching the clouds go by and just letting my soul run wild in the sky until I was exhausted. Then I would walk back with scratches on my bare legs from the grass but feeling oddly better.
I'm convinced that if my life were a sitcom that I could make more money than Jersey Shore, even without that one chick what's-her-face-Snookie stripping every 5 minutes.
I love my life and hate my life. I love my life for what its presented me with, for who is in it, for all the things I'm good at, for music, for art, for the sun, for simple pleasures, but hating it for it all being out of my reach, for feeling stunted and having creativity blocks and just being forced to wait it out and hope that the storm will pass and I won't be crushed against the rocks between the waves of heartache, loneliness and depression.
But some days I'm convinced its all a mindset. Because some days I can be happy. Some days I'm happy enough to just be with the people I love, and that's enough even if the person I love the most isn't mine. Because in the end, its not about me. I would rather be unhappy and see the people I love happy and content with life. And that's where I'm impressed with myself. How despite what I go through, despite how some nights I wish for nothing more than to never wake up from the dreams that I wish were my reality, to never have to return to my life where all I wish in my reality is to be numb if I can't feel anything but pain and my heart literally aches. But somehow I wake up in the morning. Somehow I get through the day. Even if that means an occasional day I spend in bed catching up on Grey's Anatomy, listening to music that makes me cry, and facebook stalking my friends.
I may be crazy. But somehow I'm still alive. Whether you believe in God or not, I will give Him some credit here. I don't talk to God like everyone else does. I don't always capitalize references to his entity such as Him, His, He, because I figure God knows I respect him and that its kind of inconvenient to have to keep hitting the shift button. God knows how I feel about him. He knows how I love him. I talk to God as if He were right in front of me. I don't necessarily set aside time to talk to Him. I just say random sentences or have short conversations or long ones whenever I please. I've cursed Him out on numerous occasions. Most times I apologize later, but sometimes I don't. Either because I forget or I just don't want to. I feel that keeping those feelings inside and not sharing them with God, even if they are negative, that that's worse because I'm lying about how I'm really feeling. I'm not going to thank God for trials and tribulation when I'm not thankful for them. I figure that God can take it. He's God. And nobody ever said that was an easy job. I'm positive that He's used to having people unhappy with him. Some people would call me arrogant and foolish. But I say that God and I are kindred spirits. He knows me so I don't feel like I always have to fill him in or explain myself to him because he already knows. If I want to, then I will, but I figure that its kind of dumbing God down if he's supposed to be all knowing and I'm wasting his time with little details that I left out since the last time I talked to him. But I give Him credit, because even though I've cursed God out and have been like "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!?!", He will send me things like a random day where its 60 degrees out and sunny in the middle of January, so that I can spend the day outside instead of under my covers. Yes. I believe God made that day for me. I'm that full of myself. He knows that sunny days with a light warm breeze can fix everything for me for a little while. So thanks God. Thank you for knowing me. For loving me even though I'm one of the hardest people to love.
And God, your plan better be freaking awesome, because I'm going to be pissed if my life is just a huge cluster of crap and heartache. Because I deserve an awesome life. I feel awesome, I feel like I have the potential to be amazing and do amazing things. I don't feel that I am meant to live a simple life. I feel like you have given me my talents and ambitions, not so that they can sit inside me as I sit in an Iowa cornfield, but so that they can explode out of me and paint the world a multitude of colors. And so I can push through this heartache, I won't come out whole, but I'll push through it if you would just give me what I need in the end. A purpose.
Posts
